Tough Love and Bipolar Disorder

Tough love isn’t always tough. It also isn’t always love. How do you decide to take a tough stance with a loved one who suffers from mental illness?

There is usually a history of dysfunction before a family member or loved one decides he needs to take a firm stance with another family member. Lapsing into a mood of despair and broken promises, a parent may have to confront a mentally ill adult child about his behavior before the household deteriorates into a pattern of chaos and disorder. How do families regain their composure in the face of a loved one who loses all sense of boundaries? What do you do when a household is impacted by irregular sleep hours, isolating behavior, staying behind closed doors for days at a time, or becoming belligerent when confronted? How do parents present a firm stand against losses of personal hygiene, or threats of violence that threaten the normal functioning of the family? It is at times like these, especially after reported incidents, that family members must consider the prospect of taking a stand. This is no easy decision.

So what is tough love and does it work? Tough love comes into play quite often after a family has repeatedly attempted to resort to a moderate approach of reasoning with their loved one, with poor or no results. The household is close to being held hostage to the erratic and/or aggressive pronouncements of a family member who is out of control, firmly in denial, and may have lost a grip on reality.

Tough love is a response to the non-response of a loved one to recognize the need for treatment and acceptance that they are ill, mentally ill. It is about forcing a loved one with little or no insight into facing their situation. Sometimes it means giving an ultimatum of going for treatment or leaving the family home. It is often a last desperate attempt to reaffirm family normalcy and to bring balance back into the household. It is anguish for the family member seeking to regain boundaries.

Does it work? The prospect of turning out a child from the home is a heartrending decision a family naturally shrinks away from. It is only a last resort after repeated steps to get the mentally ill member to seek treatment. Often, tough love begins by making it clear they must see a doctor, take medication, and go into counseling. There are consequences for non-compliance. This is a long way from the assumption the loved one can no longer live with family or have touch with loved ones. Tough love is saying, “We’re not going to pretend any longer that there is not a problem.” It is taking the tough stand that you won’t allow denial to go on, and that there has to be a resolution. You know they need treatment, and you must take the loving action of forcing them to get better. It’s not a cure-all; it’s a beginning

123 comments:

Kimbaaz@comcast.net said...

My husband and I just asked our son, 20, to leave. LEAVE, leave. He is bi-polar, and on and off his meds. He recently tried a new one, that was working so of course he stopped taking it regularly the way it had been prescribed. He is really scary, threatening (to me, mostly) and has stolen thousands of dollars worth of belongings from ourselves and our other children. Stealing and selling our other son's Christmas present then blaming/threatening me was the last straw. And even though this has been a horrible, horrible number of years, my heart is just killing me. He just came home and asked for pillows and a sleeping bag to sleep in his car. Is anyone else going through this?? I know it was the right thing but I feel like I'm breaking in two.

Donald Kern said...

Dear Kimbaaz,

In reference to your post on my blog, yes, 1000's of families go through the burden of having to remove a mentally ill loved one from the home every year. My heart goes out to you. It is an ache in any parent's heart that has ever held a baby that grows up to be scary and unmanageable to have at home.
It can be too, the impetus for taking action.Demand your son has to stay on his meds, be compliant with treatment or leave. These are the rules of the household. Even then, without meds compliance, it may still break your heart. As I said in the blog post you read, you have to be ready to take this step. It is not easy. And yet, you can be resolved in knowing you were given no alternative and have plenty of company.
If you havn't done so yet, join a support group if one is offered in your area. There are also ones on line.NAMI, the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill has a peer run support groups for family members and parents of mentally ill children(adult children) where you can gain support, trade tips on how to handle a mentally ill child or partner, and decrease the sense of helplessness and stigma you may be experiencing. You might also be helped by engaging a mental health professional to help you through this episode in your life. Act now. Get the help you need.

DONALD KERN, MFT
AUTHOR, "MIND GONE AWRY"
www: kerntherapy.com
email:donaldkern@yahoo.com

blog:bipolarbychance.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

Kimbaaz, I can relate to what you're saying. My son has a mental illness and he is in denial. He lived with me for 2 years without any treatment. He was incarcerated twice over those 2 years due to poor decisions (not stopping when asked by the police). He spent 6 months in jail and upon his release he moved out of state to live with his father. He has been there for almost 2 months and is now asking to come back to live with me. I too experienced him stealing and pawning my possessions. He was, and still is, very argumentative and verbally abusive. I had to put a lock on my bedroom door and I would sleep with mace under my pillow. He has never physically attacked me, but I was fearful that he might. I had to call the police on numerous occassions. I often felt like a prisoner in my own home. Anyway, I explained to him that if he decides to move back to this city, he would be homeless. It breaks my heart to think of him in this state, but I don't know what else to do. He continues to refuse treatment because he has no insight into his illness. I attend a monthly support group through NAMI and it does help. Please know that I am praying for you and other families in the same situation. You are not alone.

Anonymous said...

Our son has schizophrenia and has been living with us for 5 years. He is 35 and we are in our 60's. We have tried many ways to get him to accept his illness and treatment and he refuses. We are afraid of him and for him. We put him out for 4 months and then let him back in when he promised to go back to the doctor. He did not follow through. We have not had the courage to put him out again because now we know how hard it is. He will try to live in his car and keep calling us. We are at the end of our rope and don't know what else to do. I don't know if there is a similar website or blog for families of schizophrenics or does it make a difference? It is the same painful story no matter which diagnosis your child has.

Anonymous said...

My 21 year old son is dually diagnosed with bipolar disorder and drug addiction. We have tried everything we know to get him help. We have spent tons of money on rehabs. Nothing has helped. We put him out on the street for 4 days 3 nights, I thought I could not stand it so we allowed him to set up a tent in our backyard. He was very good at first, going to his doctor and taking his meds. Recently the old behaviors are starting again, drug use, mean talk. I fear we will have to make him leave again. I just worry that he might hurt himself or accidently someone else. I feel like it is our duty to keep him safe? After all he is sick. Our lives have been pretty miserable for the last 5 years since he got sick. Can people with mental illness understand consequences for their actions or are their brains so diseased that they just cannot reason?

Donald Kern,MFT said...

Dear Anonymous,
You, indeed, have a difficulty sorting out what to do for an adult child who remains without insight into his disability and dysfunctional behavior. While there are no easy answers, there is support both online and frequently in the community. The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill(NAMI) provides education, support groups, and an online presence for families of those who have major mental illness regardless of whether it is Schizaphrenia, Bipolar Disorder, Major Depression, or a severe personality disorder. NAMI is made
up of family volunteers who run their support groups and educational programs. Being in touch with those who are familiar with mental illness can be uplifting, bringing hope. As debilitating as mental illness can be to a family, there are paralells that cross over the labels and can serve you well. Getting support is valuable and should not be underestimated. Mental Health America (MHA) is another support organization, which may prove helpful regardless of which mental illness your loved one has. I hope you find some peace of mind admidst the unhappiness you are experencing. Googling NAMI or MHA may give you their websites and email.
The NAMI resource and support line is (800)950-6264. The Mental Health America phoneline I have is in the Los Angeles area and is (213)413-1130. They can help you get directed to their office in your area.Specific diagnosis information might help as well. I hope this helps.
Donald Kern, MFT

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Anonymous said...

i was addicted to cacain in all my life, due to the incessant rate i took cocain, i stated behaving abnormal until he got worst... my wife cry night and day no hope, i spend 2 years in psychiatric hospital the madness was STILL getting serious everyday..
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i thanks the great spiritualist dr shant tami and my lovely wife for bring my life back.. and please if you have any mad man in your area contact dr shant tami INDIANSPELL@YAHOO.COM and collect the drugs to cure the man.

kasha said...

- I am kasha i lives in uk and i was in a serious relationship with my ex guy for three good years.. One day we were in a dinner party, we had a little misunderstanding which lead to a Quarrel and he stood up and left me at the dinner party. i try to call him but he was not picking my calls so after than i contacted my brother and told him about it,my brother so much love me that he had to see him on my behalf,he told my brother that it is over between us.. Then i contacted a friend of mine that had this similar experience and she directed me to one of the spiritual diviner (maduraitemple@yahoo.com).at first i thought it was not going to be possible and i contacted him i was ask to come up with a little requirement,so i did what i was ask to do, after 3 days i was in my office when my ex guy called me and was asking me to forgive him and come back to him. i was very surprise it was like a dream to me,so ever since we have been happily married with one kid my lovely baby(Ceslav)...i wish you the best of luck...

Anonymous said...

We have an adult child that we had to fetch from school due to a psychotic break. He had previously (and rightly) been given the diagnosis of AS. We brought him home and encouraged him to continue therapy and medication of "some" sort. He agreed and did follow through for a short time, but rapidly digressed. Now a year later, he is right back (mentally) where he started and in denial. He has incurred debts that we are "assisting" him in paying off. I feel that we have done nothing short of enable him but my husband and he have the same name (Jr/Sr)and we bank at the same bank, so my husband feels that we must do this so our name is not marred. The adult child IS moving out (next month) with a roommate (unknown person to us)and our greatest fear is that this is going to be the swan dive of all swan dives. He refuses to seek professional help, refuses to consider that he needs stabilizing medication, refuses to listen to us...we are the enemy. He must be told to bath, he must be gotten up for work (he manages a part time shift job). He smokes like a chimney. His sleep pattern is completely without a schedule. He trusts those who we fear see him as a target and possible patsy due to the fact that we the parents are perceived as being wealthy. It is horrible sitting back watching this slow moving train wreck and knowing we are powerless short of having him committed (in our state it would only be a 48 hour stay)and then we would have to deal with the angry tirade afterwards. In any case it is great to have this forum to be able to share, vent, and see that there are others who have similar stories.

Anonymous said...

My son is 35 and bipolar.He makes everyone's life Hell. He perseverates on the smallest things until he works him self into a rage then attacks.He is awaiting trial right now for assaulting his brother.Lately he has ripped doors off of hinges,punched holes in the walls and pushed me.He has not worked in 4 years and lives off of me a 59 yr old young onset Parkinson's sufferer.I'm no longer Mom. I'm you f#ckn b#tch Cu#t. I no longer call authorities when he threatens suicide.A big part of me hopes he succeeds so me and the rest of the family can be free. I love him and I hate him. Ive considered letting the house go into foreclosure so I can just disappear and not tell him where Ive gone. I know the only peace my family will have is when he dies.

Unknown said...

Mentally ill or just a drug addict?? A drug addict because he's mentally ill or mentally ill because he's a drug addict? Or maybe the two have nothing to do with one another. This is what I am trying to get educated about. I know one thing, I am so tired of hearing about how my brother is "mentally ill," has a mental deficiency and as a result is on SS / Disability. To me it seems he has somehow manipulated and convinced everyone including the federal government, that yes he is Mentally Ill and therefore we should have to pay for his drug habit?? All I know is something is not quite right here. I am all ears.....

Jacque Garcia said...

This sounds just like my son only he is 18 and has no car. I don't know where he is tonight because I had to turn him out because of the stealing and rages. He won't get help.and is smoking synthetic pot, is addicted. I'm scared out of my mind. I'm dying inside. I have no support at home either. My husband is just glad he's gone...another story.

toughlove said...

Does anyone have a good outcome from tough love? My son has been dealing with bipolar disorder. He takes his meds. Lives four hours away. He is trying but not hard enough. He has tried school with difficulty but wants to keep trying. We have been at this for twoyears . In some ways it is much better. The problem I have is he can't motivate himself to get out a seriously look for a job plus he is self medicating with pot. I've tried to get him to understand that is making it worse in the long run. I've stopped giving him money. I am paying his rent and electricity. I don't know how he is getting by unless its all coming from his girlfriend. Everyone keeps telling me to give him an ultimatum. I'm scared he will run. He is becoming more and more like his dad and grandmother which now I think must have had BP too. I'm just not ready but I feel like everyone else thinks I'm crazy. I just don't know if someone that's bipolar will be able to think on a logical level when pushed. I feel pulled in a hundreds different directions. I just want him to get a job and stop smoking because I believe it makes the swings more pronounced.

Anonymous said...

My daughter is bipolar refuses to take meds & is denial...she started getting very violent & verbally abusive...told her she had to leave, she lied, cheated and it is heartbreaking that she could be so cruel, it's the illness, but the hardest part is my husband doesn't see it & does whatever she asks of him, so I cant effectively parent without my husband...just besides myself with grief, can't get through to either one of them...she took off to CA & got married, her now husband doesn't know she's been lying to him about everything, so without meds it's a matter of time before things get bad, I don't know what we'll do if they ask for help, things will fall apart, I can't live with chaos like that, so I see everyone here has gone through it & it's a living nightmare

Donald Kern said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Donald Kern said...

Dear Anonymous
There is only so much you can do when dealing with a loved one who has Bipolar disorder. I do not know if there is more you can do, other then to understand your daughter is beyond your ability to influence her behavior. All you can do is let her know you are open to her for help if she can accept her disability and she understands she needs help.
What is more to the point is your relationship with your husband on this issue. There needs to be mutual support for each other's view in terms of dealing with your daughter's Bipolar diagnosis. This is not always so easily gained. Much as you may be seriously stressed in your daughter's denial, your husband's way of coping has been to give way to her behavior. Since the two of you are not on the same page, I suggest you two need to thrash this out between yourselves to reach some kind of resolution. If you two cannot do this alone, you might need to seek some professional help. Your living nightmare might be helped be someone who can educate and facilitate understanding between you and your husband. What will happen to your daughter is up to her in the long run and what will be left is your marital bond and how you approach it's nurturance. No doubt about it, tough love is tough on all of the family, not just the ill one.

Donald Kern said...

Dear toughlove wondering if there is any good outcome from tough love,
Patience is probably the hardest lesson to learn in dealing with a mentally ill loved one, allowing the understanding there are limits to your influence and more importantly , there are limits to an ill loved one's ability to address their mental illness. Sometimes Recovery goes ahead in fits and starts. It is not a linear process which goes forward in a smooth and progressive, ongoing manner. This is not easy to wrap your head around. We want our loved ones well already and it frustrates when there is an apparent stalling of movement forward. As difficult as it is, try to take heart in a loved one's accomplishments and have detachment when viewing their shortcomings. Not that any of this is easy. I don't think there is anything as stark and stubborn as mental illness and the difficult road of Recovery. It is tiring at times and an ill one has to sit for awhile alongside the road of Recovery sometimes to get the strength and resolve renewed. I think we have to remember that as difficult as it is for us, it is also troubling and exhausting to the loved one to move forward. Not to say watching a loved one become mentally ill and hoping for their Recovery is easy or without its pitfalls for family and friends.

Anonymous said...

43 year old son, diagnosed bipolar at 28, but most likely manisfesting the disease at 22...lived in divorced home with father who worked, and left unsupervised from age 13. Now once married, and at 30, broke chair over pregnant wife, choked wife with baby in arms in front of grandfather, and stabbed wife with fork in restaurant in 2002. Now divorced. Voluntarily hospitalized in lock up ward for 10 nights, father presently dying of uncurable cancer, and patient now with no job, but good job prospects, unpaid child support for 13 year old, and engaged to an oxycontone, welfare mama who has mental issues. Household where only sibling is taking care of dying dad does not welcome him, nor me his mom. Only has an uncle left, no welcome there. right now fiancee has restraining order out against patient...so right now he will have to enter homeless shelter, has bankrupted father, trying to do so with mother, and all of us are afraid of his violent tendencies...ripped rear view mirror off of windshield when in argument with fiancee, prior to recent hospitalzation...that prompted her first restraining order.

Anonymous said...

My 26 yr old son bipolar not on medicine beat up my 30 yr. Old daughter. We had him arrested. When he gets out of jail I have decided not to let him live with me which means he will be homeless. He picked me up by the neck one day and put my head through a wall. He verbally abuses his sisters and I on a daily basis. He threatens me all of the time. Hasnt been on his medicine in 5 years and hec wasdiagnosed at the age of 10. Help

Anonymous said...

.....My Dear Son....who was tentatively diagnosed with Apsergers; or possibly early-onset schizophrenia....as a child, is now 30, and living in and out of our home. He has a severe alcohol problem in the extreme (same as his bio father)....and two years ago went out to the bar; evidently got into some sort of altercation, per usual...and was found around midnight on Thanksgiving Eve laying hunched over in the middle of a busy road: Someone has beat him senseless, almost to death, blunt force trauma etc...a passerby called 911, he was rushed to hospital where, unbeknownst to us, he was taken to surgery for a cracked skull and subdural hematoma.....he had 85 staples placed in his head. He didn't come home for days, typical of him...so we assumed he'd crashed at a friend's ....until that fateful call: Mr. O'Connor, this is Community Memorial Hospital, your son was finally able to give us your number...he's been here...he had brain surgery a coupla days ago....he was found in the middle of the road (YOUR BAAAAABY!!!!!!!!) Well folks, he came home a week and a half later, and while my husband and I were at pharmacy picking up his prescriptions, he snuck out and somehow stumbled down to the corner store with his head bandaged/stapled...and bought alcohol. And so the story goes. We put him out last summer after numerous incidences involving him coming home so drunk he could not see straight; covered in someone else's blood, and on and on ad nauseum (the skull beating was not even anywhere close to his "bottom") So after he'd been couch-surfing for a few weeks, he came by and asked to have a shower; I said, Sure....well, I heard a thud!!! Couldn't get the bathroom door opened as he had locked it; ran around to the bathroom window facing the outdoor patio, and lo and behold, there he was, my six foot baby, splayed out on the bathroom tile having a Grand Mal Seizure....and so it went... we got him out, phoned for an ambulance...he had dehydrated and malnourished his already very distraught body and brain...the blood tests showed no drugs or alcohol in his system...claimed he had been working construction all day....his body just cannot take the major abuse and insults any longer . Yep, and here we still are, many months later...and he comes in and out because we are now terrified of turning him back to the streets... He's been arrested twice recently for assault....stumbles home blind-drunk most nights, detailing horrific fights and things to his disgusted younger brother....threatens to break windows with his fists if we lock the front door late at night....I wake up out of a dead sleep when he comes home, my heart pounding and ripping out of my chest. I am a cancer survivor myself, and the stress this is causing me mentally and physically; well let's just say none of us will be shocked when the cancer "comes back" I almost feel as if it should'; I didn't raise him right, his bio father was around and he saw too much for someone with his emotional sensitivities...I was a very young naive stupid mother... so .... there you have it, plus lots more I dont have the breath to print. What to do here before he emotionally kills us all

Anonymous said...

My son is bipolar...wont have treatment..I have custody of kids...he trys bulling us all...he contrubutes nothing...its agreed that if I send him on his merry way..he will burn my house down..hes vengful..steals..does drugs ..ive seen the good side. But its gone..hes a user...I've hoped he would mess up on his own..I cant help him..he has mental issues..any ideas plez?

Donald Kern said...

Getting togeather as a family can sometimes help to come up with solutions and alternatives as well as create more unity for parents and siblings struggling with the fallout of irrational behavior of a mentally ill loved one. Creating a plan which can be used when there is a crisis is also helpful. Dealing with dysfunction &/or relapse by having a plan to follow, steps to take when crisis erupts and tests family members, can help sooth the anxious and fearful feelings when a sense of chaos is impacting you. Help can be found in creating a relapse plan by professionals in your area or by support organizations like NAMI or your local mental health dept. Creating a plan the whole family can participate in will reduce anxiety. Family meetings on a regular basis can help everyone cope better.

Donald Kern said...

To "my dear son" post of Jan 10th
A recurrent theme I hear in the blog posts responses is the out of control aspect of an adult child with a Bipolar diagnosis and how it impacts the family. What seems to be missing in all these reports is support for the family in crisis. This is a critical factor and can be remedied by joining a support group for family members of the mentally ill. Organizations such as the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill(NAMI) or the Depression and Bipolar Alliance(DBSA) offer support groups as do many local agencies who help treat the mentally ill. These groups are helpful in several ways. For one, they provide a visible face of others who are in the same or similar circumstances as their loved ones. You don't feel so isolated or impotent or alone. As well, hearing others solutions to dealing with a difficult mentally ill loved one can give advice of someone who has been there and knows what you are going through. Mental Health America is another organization which can help offer support groups &/or has information regarding them. The national office phone numbers where you can find out about services and local chapters in your area are as follows;NAMI-800-950-6264, DBSA-800-826-3632.

Donald Kern said...

To "My 26 year old son" post of January 9th
Dealing with a loved one who is aggressive and perhaps violent is a frightening, often traumatic prospect. Family and friends are often caught unaware when a mentally ill individual threatens their safety and wellbeing. At those times a family may be paralyzed into inaction, fearful that if they take action against a loved one who is out of control, he or she will retaliate. Often, a family is concerned that if they take action, a consequence which can have legal ramifications for their loved one will occur. What needs to be part of the solution in responding to such situations is considering the safety of family members and the community. This view has to be the beginning, defining frame of mind of those dealing with threats of violence. If you have a a Psychiatric Emergency Team(PET) in your area, call them. Your local mental health department and police can also direct you. Legal steps must be at the forefront of your thoughts given the situation of threat. If psychiatric intervention isn't available or plausible, a restraining order, conservatorship, calling the police needs to be implemented. In this regard, keeping a record of threats to your safety needs to be established to show a pattern of potential threat so legal authorities and the court can act. While this may be distasteful to consider, calling for help in managing a household held hostage, may be your only recourse. If you have exhausted treatment alternatives and find yourself coming up short, legal means of intervention may be your only alternative.

Anonymous said...

As I sit here and read these entries, i relive the years of pain and disarray my 19 year old daughter has caused our family while throwimg the blame.back on us. She had some issues as a houng child and was diagnosed.at age 14.with adhd and bi bolar disorder. Tooks meds for.a short time then refused. She spiraled out of comtrol the past 2-3 years! Stealing , lying, defying, blaming and totally ripping our.family apart. I tried reasoning with her about treatment and she said it was me....i was a terrible mother. I finally several months ago after having to hit rock bottom mentally and physically....am doing the TOUGH !OVE thimg.
I worry and fear it will get worse but have realized, i cannot bear her antics.
I pray she will encounter something that will make her seek the help she desperately needs.

Anonymous said...

NOTE: I had to split this into two comments because my first attempt was too long.

I feel for every person who has commented. My youngest daughter was diagnosed with bipolar several years ago. It has been difficult and challenging to say the least but we have been fortunate in many ways.

The first is that our daughter was willing to accept the diagnosis. The second is that she's been willing to take the medications most of the time. The third is that our healthcare coverage and laws regarding treatment do allow for a more extensive hospital stay. Those three factors make a huge difference but even with that, it has been a painful journey.

Some of the things I/We have learned along the way are:

- When our child is well, they are a beautiful person: kind, considerate, empathic, thoughtful. When they are not well, they are a very different kind of person: rebellious, immature, cruel, selfish. They will lie and manipulate, they will steal and run away, they will take heart-pounding risks and betray. They end up hurting themselves with their actions and they hurt their family too.

Many times I've asked myself if I should walk away but I never did because I knew that the times they were at their worst, that was the illness, and because they were currently in an ill stage, they needed people around them who actually loved them enough to do everything they could to help them.

- When our daughter first began to show symptoms of mania, we didn't understand. We thought we were seeing a change in her character as opposed to a change in her mental health. For a period of time, her father didn't want to have any relationship with her at all and that made it more difficult for me because I didn't have his support to support her. One day, it finally sunk in that she was the way she was because she was ill -- not because she had become a bad person, not because we had somehow failed to raise her right. After that, he began to work with me.

We still have days where both of us need to rant and blow off steam during the times she's experiencing an active phase of the illness, but while one of us does that, the other one offers a hug and mans the fort. In some marriages, this kind of illness in a child can tear the marriage apart; in other cases, it can bring both people closer together. For us, it has brought us closer.

- Learn to identify the pattern of behaviour that unfolds during an episode so you can also learn to identify early signs that may indicate an episode is coming and take steps to contain the episode or minimize the damage.

- If possible, negotiate with your loved one when he/she is well so that it is understood if X happens, you will step in and take Y action. For example, if they begin spending erratically, you will take their cash and bank cards and put them away for safe-keeping.

- Try to educate your family and friends and her friends as much as you possibly can without invading your loved one's privacy and trust. These people can become part of your early warning system as they may see things you have not seen or may be someone your loved one will go to in the event of an episode.

Anonymous said...

(Second Part)

- If possible, negotiate with your loved one when he/she is well so that it is understood if X happens, you will step in and take Y action. For example, if they begin spending erratically, you will take their cash and bank cards and put them away for safe-keeping.

- Try to educate your family and friends and her friends as much as you possibly can without invading your loved one's privacy and trust.

- Develop a close relationship with your child's medical care providers. This includes psychiatrists, family doctors, caseworkers, social workers, and various therapists. This can be more challenging if your child is an adult but there is no reason you cannot talk to these professionals about your fears, concerns, and the symptoms and behaviours you have seen. Once your loved one is in better space, they may permit you to accompany them to these appointments.

- Learn to communicate better than you ever have before. It's easy, when your loved one is in the midst of a manic episode or has just made a suicide attempt to feel fear, anger, betrayal, etc. but the midst of the crisis is seldom the best time for you to address that with them. We have had to set our own needs aside and focus on getting them well. Then, we can address the other issues. Our family has found it helpful to make use of family therapy for this purpose and it has been quite helpful.

- Learn everything you can about the medications that are available as treatment. If your family member is reluctant to use them, try to find out why. Try to negotiate with them. For example, you could ask them to commit to a trial period of a few months; ask them to make use of one specific medication as opposed to another; respect their fears about medication and be willing to support them in their desire to reduce or withdraw if their level of functioning supports that.

- Be willing to look at other possible contributors such as nutrition. I am aware of some people who have improved after eliminating specific food products, or who have found improvement with specific supplements. This approach might be especially helpful for those who are not willing to make use of medications.

- If possible, try to have your loved one either living with you or near you. The fact of the matter is that no one else probably cares as much as you do if they live or die. If they will accept your support that can make a tremendous difference; if they won't accept it, your insight into their daily lives might still offer you the opportunity to give it or the opportunity to recognize when they will be open to accepting it. People do make it without family around them, but it's much, much harder for those people.

- Do try to set up and agree to necessary boundaries. This is another area where a third party such as a counselor or therapist may be helpful.

- Do be willing to learn from anyone who has experience with their illness -- other parents, people with the diagnosis, doctors, experts, laypersons. Everyone who has experience may also have a valuable experience to share that you or your child can benefit from.

- Don't expect perfection out of yourselves. It's stressful, and challenging, and painful at times. But with effective treatment of any kind, it can also become better, heart-warming, inspiring, and hopeful.

- Do learn what the laws are regarding Mental Health treatment in your area. They may vary from province to province or state to state.

- When you can, try to keep the love alive between you. If you feel that it's dying that may mean that you are just at your wit's end and you need to find some more support, some more hope, a reason to believe that things can get better.

As I said, I know that we have been fortunate in many ways but as I read through these accounts tonight, I also know that we have been in those places too. There are no easy answers with this and no one else can make them for you. I wish you all courage, strength, and much love.

Anonymous said...

As I read these posts I finally feel that I am not alone. I have a 32 year old daughter dealing with bi-polar but I should say we all are literally dealing with it too. From the time she was 2 I knew something was wrong but it didn't start to really come to the forefront until she was 8 or 9. Her father and I didn't know what we were dealing with she had many problems in school which we eventually had to take her for counseling which lead to her seeing a psychiatrist. She refused to take her meds and as she got old the problems go worse. The stealing and pawning of our items began, staying out all night getting into drugs. Now that she's older she no longer takes drugs or drinks but we have a grandson whose 8 yrs old and both live with us. I can use tough love but need to make sure I get custody of my grandson first.

Anonymous said...

I kicked my 22 yr old son out 3 weeks ago. He is dually diagnosed as bipolar and addicted to anything he can get his hands on. he has blown thru a 28,000 settlement in a very short time.refuses to work, go to school. the final straw was his escalating violence towards me. I cried for a week and now am relieved he is gone. he was told that the family loves him and will be there for him when he goes for treatment. it is non negotiable..
he has a court date in 2 weeks on drug charges and it is our hope he eiter goes to jail or treatment mandated by the court. Good luck to all of you. do not be held hostage by your childs disease

Anonymous said...

My 21 year Aspergers son was diagnosed in January 2014. This was after a 2 year rollercoaster. I put him out a few days ago, because as I said to him, I don't ever want "that line" to be crossed. Its not healthy for him or me to live in my home. He becomes very verbally aggressive, and scary. In January I put him in the hospital when I visited him at his college (outside the counseling center thank heavens), when he said, all I want to do is bash your head in against that wall...The dean drove in her own car and helped me admit him willingly. As I read about BP, I see the classic signs, doesn't bathe unless told, can skip brushing teeth for weekstill they turn disgustingly orange (cheetoh Mouth), sexually hypersexual ...totally addicted to porn...apathy, will not study doesn't want to work, not to better himself. I was up all night crying from sadness and relief, and fright. His father said he can go stay with his grandmother. Of course they hate me for many years, and have no conversation with me, which is fine. I have hope that "clearing his head" 1500 miles away will help. And yet.....they don't even acknowledge that he has aspergers. The scenario is not uncommon. His twin brother is BP.Autistic and intellectually impaired. At 18, I could not do it anymore, and I gave his father total custody. Of course, "it was ALL my fault" till he spent a year with him, and then put him in a group home. It is a beautiful home, but he limits my time intensely with my son. His brother started his violent symptoms at 16...he at 19 1/2. Took me a while to recognize what it all was. I kept thinking "I can fix this" with more schedules, determination, therapeutic intervention. I am smart, I can handle this............................until.......I realize, I cant. He is a man, and has been in MANY situations. He has had a team working with him for 2 years that have been by his side literally daily! I mourned my dreams for him last night. I mourned for our amazing relationship. I mourned for his future. Now, my dreams are "Please God keep him safe and healthy." His grandmother has no idea what is going on, butI did extend a hand...a text...if you ever want to learn about his journey please give me a call...and I thanked her for giving him this opportunity. They have the money and will coddle--(enable) him, but I have to learn to let it go. I told him that I love him with all my heart, but believe that a change of scenery could be the answer. I will finally contact NAMI and begin support for me. Having twins with mental illness is sooooo saddddd....but I will continue to pray every day, for God to watch over my son, and keep him in his arms. Thanks for letting me vent. I have read all the posts, and sincerely pray for all of you and your children and loved ones. God Bless you!

Unknown said...

My boyfriend has been off his meds for about three months. At first it wasn't so bad, but I started to see a change. He agreed with me that he need to get back on his meds. We called is doctor where he had went before when we lived az and they said there was a six months waiting list because he would have to be a new patient since it had been so long. We asked about other places went there and no help what so ever. Went to his regular doctor who said he didn't feel like he new enough about it to give it to him. We asked him for help. He called a hot line that sent him to a hospital to get evaluated. After 8 to 9 hours they denied him because they didn't take his insurance after we where told he did. He was starting to loose hope and was loosing control of his emotions. We tried calling so many places. They did nothing gave us no answers. Though he was not in denial about getting back on his meds he was on instating him self he didn't feel like it was right he had to go threw that when he wanted his pills. After I found out I was pregnant he started being worried and stressed about it all becoming mean and nothing like the guy I fell in love with. He attacked me making me making me have to call the police and go to the hospital. I feel so broken having to do this. He needs help but he is not getting it. He has never done this before when he was on his meds. I blame the mental Heath of Arizona that turned use away after he had already been diagnosed and had been on the meds for a long time before. They are now saying I have no say in what happens to him. He needs help that he also wants but isn't getting. Does anyone have anything that would give me answers to help him? They ain't paying attention to him being off his meds and that this is an act of someone having an episode when off there meds. I feel so alone and he is the father of my baby I want him to be in are life's.

Anonymous said...

Part 1
I have bipolar disorder. I am 52 and was diagnosed at 49. I take my meds religiously, but can still have anger issues. The symptom that was worse for me since childhood, however, has been disabling depression. I am doing better than ever as far as that goes.
I just told my 18 yo to leave. Until this year, she has not fully come to grips with her BP diagnosis, although she has repeatedly accepted her OCD diagnosis. Oppositional Defiance, she also rejected.
In any case, these past few months she has been taking meds and going to counseling--on her own, without me, while she is in college nearby. My husband, her father, and I, have given her rent money, although she has chipped in a little from working at a fast food place, which she did for two years until she abruptly quit a couple months ago due to an altercation with co-workers.
Since starting college in Sept, she has mainly remained depressed. When I found out at the end of the first term that she was flunking all her classes, together, we visited the disability office where she was advised on how to prevent getting Fs should she fail to attend classes again. That's when she started being serious about seeing a doctor and going to counseling, after I helped her get set up to do this.
However, she did not follow the disability office protocol on campus and again flunked out. Being on academic probation, she is now ineligible for financial aid until she gets at least a B in one course.
Bottom line, she is running an online biz and says that will enable her to pay full rent in Jul and Aug--the first months she has not been in school since we started paying her rent, or, most recently, half of it.
She has spent days over our house during this time. Lately, when she does this, she rarely gets off the couch. I know she is depressed, but this began to bother me. I know staying on the couch won't alleviate the depression. Plus, she leaves things where they don't belong no matter how often I tell her not to do this. She takes other people's property and loses it then denies taking it. She gets belligerent when confronted, most recently calling me a bitch today and saying my meds aren't working (because I yelled at her to go back to the apt I'm paying for because then she would not have to deal with me).
I've become irritated with her lying around all day here and we've gotten into several arguments because I badger her about it. Yesterday, during a calm period, and after she'd prepared to go out exercising, I told her I didn't mind her staying over as long as she got up in the morning and did something--this is true. However, this morning was more of the same. She left, saying she would not come back or pay her rent and I should never contact her again and she won't contact me.
At this point, I am thinking maybe I really should just step back (I usually break down and call her) and let her really feel what life is like as a responsible adult. I say this because she sits or lies on the couch and compares herself to me, saying, just like me, she is "at work".
I make my living online--enabling me to pay her rent, buy food, pay mortgage, etc. On the other hand, she lies on my couch doing who knows what on the computer, uses my resources and asks me or her father to transport her. She rarely takes the initiative to be of any help at all, unless asked. And when she is asked, she either takes her time or does a bad job, usually.

Anonymous said...

Part 2

In addition to the biz that cannot possibly be as successful as she claims--because she stays up all night and spends a lot of working hours trolling Facebook, You Tube and websites for useless information that interests her--she has an online boyfriend from across the country who tried to live with her. But between his alcoholism and her temper, they wound up in jail after a fight and he is back home. Where is the legitimate comparison between what she does and what I do when it comes to assuming adult responsibilities?
What do you think? Is it OK for me to step back and see how losing contact with her goes until she reaches out, if she ever does?

Anonymous said...

Part 3

PS. I would not even mind her lying on the couch while she is depressed, even though I know that's not helpful for the depression. This would be easier to take if she did not raise her voice at me, make the house messier than it already is, and use other people's stuff, including mine, irresponsibly, then deny that she has used them or make excuses for her behavior. And even though I yell at her, she has no right to do the same to me, her mother, in my house and while I do some much heavy lifting on her behalf. Sometimes, I yell at my other two kids (17 yo boy, 15 yo girl). They don't like it. Sometimes they've gotten out of pocket with me, temper-wise. But I can always reassert my authority as Mom with them and they have never called me a bitch. I can't count the times she's done so.

I know my daughter is sick, has issues I never had--this was evident early on. But it still bothers me that her thinking, as reflected in her words and actions, is so off balance. By this I mean, that she can honestly not see how much she has gotten and gets from her father and I and how out of sync that reality is with how she treats us.

Again, in your opinion, is hands-off a good approach for now?

Donald Kern said...

To those dealing with a tough love issue,
Sometimes it is hard to know what the right thing to do is. Understanding your own limitations as to how much you can handle is one important measure of evaluating your desire to intervene versus letting go. Sometimes taking a "time out" is what's needed to regroup your energies and sort out whether to reinvolve yourself at a later time.
Talking to a support group at NAMI sounds like a good idea. Getting feedback from others who have "been therte" helps. Also DBSA(Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) is an organization which can be helpful. They can be a great help in reducing a sense of isolation and receiving feedback from others who have walked your road before.The national office NAMI phone number is 800-950-6264 and DBSA phone number800-826-3632.
Additional diagnoses such as Asbergers complicates treatment and the desire to get help. If there is a Regional Center for Developmental Disorders in your area, they also can provide support.
Lastly, for those dealing with a partner who has mental illness, there is a book out called "Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder" understanding and helping your partner. Written be Julie Fast and John Preston, it addresses this topic.

Anonymous said...

My 20 year old son was just been diagnosed as bipolar. We had to evict him from our house over a year ago. He was smoking synthetic drugs, stealing, breaking things, threatening us, basically all the things I have read in the above comments. since then, we helped him get two different apartments, both of which he caused enough damage to so that he was evicted. He has an on again, off again girlfriend who lives with him at times. She is a nightmare and is the cause of some of his trouble. He's been arrested for DUI, wrecked three cars, won't work, misuses prescription drugs, been through rehab twice, etc. He refers to me as "the bitch" and won't acknowledge any of the things we have done to help him. (He spent two months in the hospital two years ago for abdominal surgery, and one of us was with him the entire time.) He goes to my husband's office and demands money and gas - to the extreme that my husband can't put in a full day's work anymore. He has hit and pushed my husband, and recently told someone that my husband is a demon and needs to be killed asap. We are obviously scared of him and for him and are contemplating moving several hundred miles away so we don't feel so afraid. We can't take much more - we feel like one of us will have a stroke from the stress soon. We want him to get well, and are worried that "abandoning" him will only make things worse for him. It's hard to set aside the love we feel for him despite all the chaos he brings into our lives. We haven't felt true joy in so long I don't know what it feels like anymore. I don't know at what point we put our health and safety ahead of his need for help.

Anonymous said...

After going thru yet another abusive episode with my bipolar husband (who refuses to accept his diagnosis, meds or anything else that might help) in Aug 13, I kicked him out with an ultimatum - get help or move on. Since then he's tried to get me fired from my job of 17 years, told all of my family that I'm crazy and doing drugs (hence the reason I kicked him out - yeah right), told pastors and other church folks horrible stories about me that aren't true and to this day still continues to abuse me via email as that's the only outlet he has. I pray for him every day, multiple times a day as I usually get 2 - 3 emails daily that remind me of how ill he really is. I honestly thought he would finally get help like he promised me so many times in our marriage but no such luck. Tough love doesn't seem to be working here but it is better than being tortured everyday by someone you love...

Anonymous said...

I feel the same as everyone else who has/knows someone with Bipolar/manic depression. I live with my 47 year old mother who has severe manic depression. Her hypo-manic episodes have affected me greatly (I have mild ASD which doesn't help) Her episodes have forced me to move away from home on several occasions and affected my mental well-being. When it is really bad, she gets aggressive and verbally abusive to anyone around her. She swears, accuses people of false things such as theft, rape and things like that. It really hurts because I am only 16 and only just coming to grips with all of it. It is really traumatic...

Anonymous said...

I have been searching for information, web site, blog, something where I can get information on how to regain the trust and relationship I once had with my bipolor daughter. We had a terrible argument over a year ago and have only spoken briefly since then and the most recent phone call ended with me in tears and her verbally disrespectful and angry. When we had our argument a year ago she was living in my home and making terrible accusations. I should have not argued with her and removed myself from the room but instead I told her she had to leave that I had enough of her accusations and disrespect. She has not forgive me for it and I love her so much. Any suggestions or words of wisdom are greatly appreciated.

Anonymous said...

I'm not convinced that tough love is the correct approach under all circumstances. I have been trying this with my wife for 3 years and the result was her engaging in infidelity. We recently got through it, and the "lesson" was that "I" was not being attentive enough to her needs, nor did she feel that I was supporting her enough. Be very, very careful when engaging in a tough-love scenario with someone who is mentally ill and addicted - you might push them farther away.

Anonymous said...

My bi-polar daughter, who is 20, has had both my son and I arrested at different times for 'actual bodily harm' both of which were made up. It was her way of getting back at us over a nasty argument, most recently I had to spend 14 hours in a police cell. She has now left and I have not spoken to her for a month. I am desperately worried for her and still love her but she is dangerous and extremely spiteful. She has been like this most of her life and it has affected many people especially those in our family. She does have medication but don't think she always takes it. She also binges or drugs every so often which only makes things worse. She is managing to hold down this job which I know she loves so fortunately she has money to support herself. I would love to have contact and be able to support her but not have her live with me again.

Anonymous said...

So kicking ill people to the curb is resolution?

Do any of you know why these people don't know they are ill and are non compliant? BECAUSE THEY ARE MENTALLY ILL!!!

Kicking them to the curb to fend for themselves is NOT resolution. It is simply relief for the non mentally impaired people but in no way, shape, or form resolves the sick person's illness or management of the illness.

Seeking relief is understandable and truly necessary. But throwing a mentally ill loved one out into a world that hates them to fend for themselves is heartless, not "tough love".

Try to get guardianship. Find them assisted living......SOMETHING!

You are trying to make someone who is not cut out for average society fit into your "normal" world. Then you are surprised and angry when they don't?!

I promise you, the rest of the world does not care about your mentally ill family member. You are their life raft in this world. Without your presence, they are doomed to fail in nearly all cases.

But honestly, the rest of the world will "understand" and forgive you for doing it to a mentally ill person. But don't try doing this to a learning disabled or physically disabled person who isn't "trying" to manage their situations. The world will hate your treating a person with "REAL" problems in such a way.

Anonymous said...

Me and my wife are going through the same thing as most all these posts, the same Bi Polar Issues the Drugs also Synthetic Marijuana the worst part is he (son 21) has a daughter and her Mother does has the same issues so she (our granddaughter) is used like a tool by him and if we tell him to leave he goes nuts and then wants to take her and leave. We then feel he will do her harm so we start this screaming and yelling till it all settles down then feel better that the baby is not in harms way. The down side to that is we say we will call the cops on him and have her taken away he responds with if you do that you will not live through it. sadly like other posts here we just pray that he will OD or something so we can give his daughter a life other than what she is facing. He can be so good and then turn so fast and its never his fault. I am sorry its 2:00 am and I am just venting to others that already know. Thanks

Anonymous said...

My beautiful boy, where did he go? I am heartbroken. Why him? So unfair. Life is too hard. I love him so much and now he is impossible, unpredictable, abusive, mean, etc. I try to talk to others about it and they say stupid things like 'sounds like he is doing drugs', sounds like he's a spoiled brat', 'sounds like he ....', etc etc. It is so isolating. Feels like atomic bombs went off in our lives.

Anonymous said...

I don't claim to be super educated but I am Bi-polar1 with a slightly above average I.Q.. So I have studied it with hungry to understand how to stay stable. I feel I know a lot after 22 years on meds and in treatment. But all of a sudden there is something different going on in my therapy and I am a little shocked by it.

My therapist seems to be trying this so called tough love on me. I think it's just because I didn't understand how I am supposed to ignore my families hurtful remarks about and to me. He says I can but I can't. It crushes me. So I see he may be trying to get my past this but he is making it worse. I am a classic case of the scapegoat and even he agrees with that.

My family was very emotionally abusive to me and not my brother. They even allowed my brother to hurt me constantly. I was not a problem child. I was just an easy target. I was abused by many in my life because it was all I knew growing up. I am now 51 years old and my therapist who was always helpful, has this new thing he appears to be trying. It makes me question if he has taken some new classes that has changed his approach.

Perhaps it is just that he cares and thinks this will help. But pushing me and being tough on me is just reminding me of the abuse I went through. He said "You just are not getting it". And he is correct, I don't get it. He has always been kind and gotten me through bad times. Now I feel he is adding to them. Putting so much pressure on me to be what he wants just like my parents did. It "feels" as if he thinks I'm just being stubborn but I truly just don't understand this. He says I'm smarter than this but being smart doesn't make depression go away. It doesn't mean I can win against the abuse.

I have to wonder what changed. Recently, I was cruising along pretty well in life. No suicidal thoughts in over 14 years. Then all of a sudden he decides I need to be yelled at and pushed to do things that take me out of my comfort zone and will make me sick. I have been doing more outside my comfort zone as he has helped me to do. But it's like once I did he began to push harder and way to much and to fast.

I do understand that he cares and wants me to be able to do things like a normal person. But the problem with that is I am not a normal person and this is really hurting me. I can't see any benefit to it.

So all that being said I think any family doctor or therapist that pushes someone with a mental disorder to be "normal" is only making them worse. imo It's is better to teach them to live with it and how to deal without. Tough love is abuse in the eyes of the depressed. If your kid isn't normal then accept it and go from there. They will have to live with this the rest of their lives. And while I agree that behavior should be modified in rebellious teens I do not believe tough love of any kind will do anything more that put them in danger.

Anonymous said...

My 24 year old daughter was diagnosed bipolar ten years ago. When she was under aged, I was able to control her medication and monitor her behavior. I felt that we were very close. It ruined my finances, and even today I am still recovering but we had to do two 10 day hospital stays and the medicine was extremely expensive at that time. It would have been worth it if it had made her better. But the second she turned 18 she cut me off of all intervention in her medical care and stopped all treatment. She said she felt "overmedicated". The got pregnant almost immediately (birth control was one of the medications that she gave up i guess) and has gone on a downward spiral ever since. She has been very emotionally abusive to me as well as financially abusive.

The worst part is, my grand daughter has been the light of my life ever since, she is 5 now. My daughter lost custody due to her unstable lifestyle, and she has moved away to Washington state. She is angry that I am continuing to see my grand daughter without her and that I get along ok with the child's father. The only communication I get with my daughter now is angry, profane texts.

I am so torn because since she has been gone, (about two months) I feel happier than I have in years and I can feel my healing beginning. I love my daughter underneath it all but it just hurts to be around her. She has had another child, I barely know him, and she is pregnant with another one now. Her husband, who is only the father of the youngest, is in the military.

She is coming back for two weeks next month, and she says she will not see me because I have continued to see my grand daughter without her. She thinks I should have to wait for her to be in town to see her.

The worst part is that I feel like such a bad person because I am glad if she stays away from me, because I just can't take any more emotional pain. She has run my life for the last ten years. I want my own life now. Is that selfish of me or what?

Anonymous said...

Today was a sad day, yet part of me feels good about standing up for myself. Our 29y/o son was diagnosed with bipolar in 2005. He has a psychotic type. For most of the years between then and now he seesawed between taking meds and not. When not, he had car wrecks, ended in mental hospitals, has had legal complications, and has used up a good amount of our finances. Yet I never lost trust until he recently started drinking and using weed. He found a buddy who uses weed to manage his bipolar. Trouble is when our son uses it, he goes totally insane. Last night the cops found him in a park going nuts. They called me. A friend drove me because I too have Parkinsons, as someone commented above. I had to follow them to the mental health assessment location, where they let him go because he had calmed down. He seemed contrite, too. He had banged his head on the cop cars window and required a CT scan, another several hours and $100. This was the second incident of his going psychotic this month. This morning he took off. Through texting, since he wouldn't come home to converse, I informed him that unless he was willing to explore how the drugs were working for him, and consider changing, he couldn't stay here. At least he didn't lie when he said he was not willing to consider it. He will lose his job too since he works for my husband and he is requiring our son to get a substance abuse assessment, which he won't yet agree to do. I am so sad, relieved, and worried. I think I'm angry too. Any advice?

Anonymous said...

My heart breaks for you, I know exactly where your at..my son 22 is loving and kind one moment then next moment he is threatening to kill me or knock me out..he has hurt me badly both mentally and physically I keep it from my family because I don't want them to hate him..i have known since he was a child that something was off with him I was told he is ADD..but I know it's more he has all the characteristics of a bipolar disorder. I have tried many times for him to stay in counseling but never stays..he is also a heroin addict. Wich at the moment is clean but still has his using tendencies..I am reaching out to many dr for help I pray we make it ib tine before he hurts someone or himself....god I pray for your help now please take care of my son

Anonymous said...

I am bi-polar and never harmed a soul. But my family wanted me to be just like them because they were embarrassed that I didn't hide my illness from their church. They tired tough love to "change" me. I tried to kill myself because of their hatefulness. And no I would not have done it otherwise. I've been mostly stable for 23 years now with only a few mild ups and downs. On meds and in therapy I have done very well since then as long as my family doesn't make me their scapegoat. So I will have to disagree with you that tough love works or is good in any way because it only hurts us. Makes us not want to continue and makes us sicker.

Why kick someone when they are down? All we want is to be loved during our episodes. Would you do this to a cancer patient? Because we feel we are already at deaths door when our bi-polar is in full swing. All this does is push us over the edge. So yeah, if you want your bi-polar loved one to get sicker try tough love. That will do it.

Try real love instead. Granted it takes a little more love and effort many are not willing to give to their own flesh and blood but tough love will only make a bi-polar worse. And quite frankly I should know.

Anonymous said...

My son was attacked in 2009 and ever since then he has been trouble . He was kicked out of a psychiatrist office after the 5 th visit told not to come back . So now he refuses to see another . Hes on Seraquel and I dont believe its helping but making it worse . Im on my own and the holes in walls keep coming . He talks about killing himself because he hates being how he is . I get called home from work because hes having a melt down all the time , I just dont know what to do and now Im having horrible thoughts because I feel like its never going to end . He has been diagnose with PTSD , Anxiety , OCD and not too sure if BiPolar or Borderline . He is extremely intellegent and when ever he talks about something its always passionate . I fear I may loose my son soon .

Anonymous said...

Is Mental illness a green light for stealing, threats, property damage, assault? When is it the disease and when is it just bad behavior? Are they holding us hostage because we love them and hold hope after hope that this is the time that the outcome will be different? I'm on my 8th year with no better story than the above accounts. The rest of the family has given up; getting on with their lives. They refuse to sacrifice anymore. Do you have to lose your health, home, family, job and money to take care someone who is metally ill?
He's had all the advantages psychiatrist, counselors, hospitalizations, rehabs, group homes, social workers, family? When do you suck it up and become peaceful that leaving my son to his own devices might be the only thing that works? How do you do it without guilt, fear and thinking if I'd only tried one more time?

Anonymous said...

I feel like killing myself. My son, 26, diagnosed with bipolar, depression and adhd, is very intelligent but lazy. Doesn't help with chores at home. takes a shower maybe once a week never shaves buys video games all the time. Watches videos, all night long; says that's the only way to sleep. Posts all the time weird stuff, fantasy world on Facebook but really doesn't have friends. He's whole life has been a heartache for us. He makes excuses all the time. Always slow and late to get things done. Gets late to work, constantly buys fast food. Too lazy too make a lunch for himself. Spends more and more on games and figurines. Never was interested in sports, religion.... Too much for me either I kill myself or leave the US with my 401k and run away from everyone... Can't take it anymore. I exercise 9 times a week to relieve stress and take anti depression meds... but getting worse... Help!!!!!!!!!!! What should I do?

Anonymous said...

My 35 year old daughter is bypolar..she is scary...angry..I have been taking care of her for years...picking her up..picking up pieces after bad decisions...enduring her horrible angry outbursts ect. The older she gets the worse the situation is. I let her move back in with me 8 years ago against my better judgement and have had to wait on her hand and foot and completely drained me of all of my money and my personality...I am exhausted to the core...she's been on and off meds..trying out new ones...they work..she stops..she's been on several heavy duty psychiatric meds for 5 years now and suddenly decided to go off of everything...oh boy this has really been fun...Somedays I just don't know how to go on. It's got to be awful on her as well...I love her si much. A couple of months ago, I moved out...I just couldn't live in that terrifying atmosphere any longer. I got my own apartment!! My heart is broken..shattered by this situation and the effect it's had. Now the past few days she has begun attacking others...a dear friend she had for 15 years...her father....of course me again...always me..I would give both of my legs to end this and make it all better for her..for us.I stay close to God and pray around the clock. I am so grateful that she was just now awarded disability so she can pay rent..I am trying to get her to let me help her manage her money because I'm afraid she's going to plow thru it in a very short time and not pay her rent....God bless all of you and your families. Thank you for listening.

Anonymous said...

The name your son calls you now is what my daughter now calls me as well...she is 35 and getting worse every day....I am so sorry you are going through this...

Anonymous said...

My son would rage on me, threaten to never speak to me, then call as if nothing happened. He trashed my family house, drank huge amounts of alcohol, and managed the manic highs with marijuana. He spent money on clothes still hanging in the closet with price tags on them. He got into porn, crazy girls, and new/bad friends. He never slept! He talked fast and always had a new idea that somehow involved my money. He drained my IRA. He would start home projects and never finished them. His postings on Facebook where way out there. He threatened people, myself included. After one hospital stay where he was diagnosed as bi-polar he seemed to be getting it together. WRONG! He was scamming me. He ended up back in the hospital cause he didn't take his meds. Now what? When he gets out will he be different this time. I hope so. I can hope, but I still think that he needs to hit rock bottom, i.e. jail time. This is my HELL on earth. I hope this gets better some day for him and for us, his family.

Anonymous said...

My 35 year old son has been diagnosed with Bipolar Depression this past year. When he was a child, I knew he had mental problems from the rages and anger he'd express over the smallest things. I had him tested and to many physiatrists, doctors and counselors, none of which said he was bipolar.......not until this year at the age of 35. My son lives out of state. My question to you is, why will he not answer my phone calls, my text messages, or emails, months go by and I hear nothing. I know he is working, because I've called his place of employment to see if he is still there. He does have a great job and was very successful in school and college..........he has struggled all of his life with the demons of this disease in his mind....I love this child so very much, my heart aches for him every second of every day.

Anonymous said...

I have read all the entries on this fairly long post and most of them were from people just like me trying to figure out what to do with their situation with an adult child (daughter) who is bipolar. Suffice it to say our daughter has done most of the things that have been reported above here in the posts I just don't want to waste time repeating the crap.. Is there any real hope? I kind of think not. I know there are people with BP that are taking their meds and functioning as contributing citizens but that it the exception and not the rule.

So I too have an adult daughter who was just recently diagnosed BP at age 30 but likely has been that way for many years. We knew that she has issues with many mental conditions and while she was our dependent were getting her therapy but to no real avail. I sort of hoped she would grow out of it as she aged.

When I focus on the hell this illness has put my wife and I through the years I get angry at my lot in life and the difficulties we continue to face. But when I get over my pity party I realize it must pale against the hell she has gone through dealing with her illness herself. What a horrific world she lives in that has no real friends, nobody she can trust, no place she can go, no comfort, no peace. Then I feel guilty for considering kicking her out for self medicating with who knows what she gets her hands on. She can't seem to help herself very well and the medical community isn't able to get her meds correct enough for her to get better and stay that way. So it goes around and around repeating itself only getting worse most of the time.

I guess my interest was to find hope by reading these postings but that too came up empty. For ALL those who have been physically abused by their ill child KICK THEM OUT! You must not let them threaten you and cause you harm.

I rejected God in my life when he failed to cure her afflictions even though I prayed and prayed and prayed and spent thousands of dollars and years on therapy on her. There is no rock bottom for people with mental illness like this. They cant "get it" because they are mentally ill. The primary tool they use to deal with life and its challenges is BROKEN! We can't fix them because there is nothing we can do. Our society has abandoned the mentally ill and kicked them out of hospitals and onto the streets. Most of the homeless we see and read about are mentally ill. They are just like our children only their parents took the step to kick them out, or they ran away from home or perhaps the parents died or were incapable to provide shelter for their despondent mentally ill child. It doesn't matter, the result is the same. If we kick them out because they refuse to do what it takes to get well (remember their tool is broken) it's like kicking out a child who has cancer because she isn't responding to medication. We have no good choices here, just bad and worse.

I suspect I need to return to God to find at least peace in my heart. I just wanted to spend the rest of my life loving on my beautiful wife of 33 years. I didn't want to fight this battle but neither did my daughter want the cards she has been dealt. God and support groups seem to be our only hope for a lasting smile on our faces. Good luck out there. Casey.

Anonymous said...

As I am reading all of the above posts my heart sinks. We all have a common denominator and that is dealing with a mentally ill person in our lives. My son came home in Dec. at 27, jobless, in huge debt, HIV + and in psychosis. He is bipolar w/ADHD and now the drs. tell us it has progressed into psychotic episodes that may or may not be schizo like. and can come on at any time. Cloudy, rainy days are hell to live through. In these times, he either retreats to his cave and doesn't emerge or he packs, grabs what he can and flees for days and we don't know where he goes. So far he always returns. He has good drs. 9 really good meds he is prescribed and they work, when he takes them. But he doesn't always. To one lady above, do not end your life for someone else. You have done your best with your child. You are a good MOM!! You need to take care of yourself. that's what I am doing. If it means you move away and don't tell anyone for awhile, then so be it. It is the hardest thing to do to save yourself. Because no one else will. And when you can't save the other person just try and move on. I am preparing myself for the worse news. Maybe a phone call, maybe the police at my door, maybe the 5:00 news. IDK but my instinct tell me it will be sad news. Prepare yourself and then try to be strong. We are all trying so hard to be the rainbow in other peoples clouds, but you know what, some clouds are destined to be clouds. There are no silver linings or rainbows. They just produce wicked storms, and then the next day the sun rises and we must move on. We cry, we howl, we sob, we hurt but like the death of pet, day by day, month by month we grieve a little bit less. We never forget ever, but we can go on, it is possible. Find someone to talk to or cry with. Don't be alone. Mental illness in our country is an epidemic. So many people are suffering. If you are unable to save the one you are with, then save yourself, try and never give up! Love to all of you who are on this battleship with me.

Anonymous said...

I can totally relate to this except I don't have the courage to leave the rest of my family. This roller coaster merry go round is making me nuts. I want to get off already. I don't know how much more stronger I can be. It has affected my relationship with other family members unbearable. I just want to leave forever on one hand and on the other I'm not one to throw in the towel. When backed against a wall I usually come out fighting. Its very stressful being a wife, a mother, and especially a CAREGIVER. I can't ever seem to catch a break. It feels like my own sanity is going out the window every day. Different meds that don't work, you name it I've gone through it. I'm so close to my breaking point. What to do.. was told I should probate this person, can't....ECT's???? I know what they are. I need to split myself into 3 more of me. I already feel beside myself so that makes two and only one more to go. Why doesnt our government recognize mental illness???? Maybe if they did there would not have been so much killing by mental people in the past. What if it was one of their loved ones??? What then???? Sometimes I think and feel like I'm the unstable one. Tough Love doesnt work either. Patience (alot of) and understanding is running a very fine line. Peace and Love to all who are in (like you said) this battleship. Its not easy being me.

Anonymous said...

Seeing all these comments couldn't have come at a better time. I have been dealing with my 38 yr old brother with bipolar disorder (although he hasn't been diagnosed) for years now, and I have become increasingly frustrated in these recent months. He does absolutely nothing all day long except watch TV and eat. He doesn't clean up after himself, so when I get home after work, I have to clean up his mess. All he does is suck everyone dry of money and energy. By the way, he's totally stolen from me and other family members. I've lost all compassion for him, especially because he refuses to get help. I just took out my anger on my mom tonight and told her that I'm so over him, I don't give a shit if he lives. In fact, I blame her a lot for not being more firm on forcing him to get help. She's just coddled him all these years, even in between his episodes of rage and delusion. I know I shouldn't blame her and I know I really don't want my brother to kill himself, but I just don't know how to live with this and frankly, I don't want to. I was trying to stay at my mom's house to help with bills since she's low on $$ but I need to keep my sanity as well. I feel horrible that I have all these evil thoughts and that I want to leave this environment, but at the same time, it can't be healthy if I stay. Thanks for letting me get out this aggression. I'm in tears as I write this, but I'm so glad there is a space with others who can relate.

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Anonymous said...

I can relate so much to many of these stories and I felt all alone in a mad world, because I don't know anyone that has been through this. My experience was with my Bf I had been with for 7 years and dealing with his mood swings, has sometimes made me want to jump off the planet, but I managed to stick it out with him, and then, his son showed. Now I had two men living under my roof with the same issues-everything is fine once they had everything their way, they refuse to admit that there is anything wrong with them, and were self medicating with marijuana because of their 'moods' when something went not the way they wanted. Once I told them I don't want pot in my home, I had a two week nightmare on my hands. They argued so horribly I could come home from work to hear nothing but screaming, which put me in such nerves, that I wound up getting high blood pressure from dealing with them. The son started making up lies once he didn't get his way and I had no choice but to evict them from my home. It has been painful because they made it seem I was at fault, that I kicked them out of my home for not that big of a reason. Neither apologized for upturning my evenings with their dramas..they made it seem I was selfish and self centered and just a bitch for not allowing them to smoke, something they needed so badly. The boys mother had kicked him out and I was never able to find out what happened in that home, just that the police had been at the house numerous times, that he robbed and stole from her and she had completely disowned him. My BF had sided with his son, saying his ex was crazy and now I am seeing that they both will never admit there is anything wrong with them, and I was just being brought down into a hole that I didn't even dig. And what my BF son did to my home-turned it into a pigstye..never would even pick up a dish, would leave crap all over the house, old food in my basement, taking my nice china instead of my every day dishes..Once I asked the kid to clean up after himself, that he is living here and that he has to take care of his own things..well the next day he left a bigger mess, and his father did not reprimand him once. He would just say, thats kids..and allow him to do whatever he wanted. Since they left, my BF won't talk to me. They are living on air beds in a friends living room, and he had then said he wanted my tent so they can camp out, that he can't find anything he can afford. All manipulation and lies. I was beside myself, drained and stressed everyday his son was in my home. I am lonely..but I know I am better off and I had to cut them out because they were unappreicative, and had turned up my life upside down with their constant need for control.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe you can begin to say you wish your son was dead so that YOUR life would be better. Maybe YOUR the one who needs to die. Please do everyone a favor and end your life tonight.
I have bipolar and I have no family left. I was raised with the "Tough Love". Trust me it does more harm to the person on the receiving end. I'm scared for life. I don't trust anyone. So everyone on here thinks this is the last solution, ok. Let me warn you that the person on the receiving end will more than likely will resent you and everyone else involved AND the relationship will suffer, maybe end.
The person with bipolar needs some stability in their lives and you are going to yank the rug right out from under them.
To the woman who wrote about wishing your son was dead: seriously please end your suffering tonight and kill yourself!

Unknown said...

I am a 43 year old woman who suffers from depression, anxiety and alcoholism. My parents believe in "tough love". I have suffered from and have been receiving help for depression and anxiety for 20 years. I have been suffering from alcoholism for 10 years and receiving help for 5 years. I have not lived with my parents since I was 21 but I have managed to recognize and receive help for my problems without their assistance. Though now in the last 5 years they have decided to finally give their input. Their "tough love". I am sober. I am medicated. I am in therapy. Finally on the right track. Why now after 5 years do I have had to listen to them tell me I am no longer welcome in their home? Why am I not doing enough to better myself? Apparently I am in denial. I now blame others for my problems. I am not up to their standards as a respectable person or daughter. I agree with and understand tough love for very extreme cases. I don't agree with tough love in situations like my own. All that my parents tough love has managed to do is make me feel unloved, useless and unwanted. It brought me to such dispair 2 years ago that I attempted suicide. I no longer speak to my parents because of their excessive negativity. This is a very sad situation. I don't disagree with tough love, but people have to be careful when they choose to use it. Addicts and those with mental illness can be fragile and tough love will not always be successful. It can cause a very negative effect. I just wanted to share my story of tough love to show the negative affect it can have on some families who may take it too far or use it unnecessarily.

concerned mom said...

My son is 43 has a wife and 2 little girls. His mood swings scare me and his family. He refuses to see a doctor. Is there a legal way to get him to a doctor against his will. I keep believing he is ine pill away from behaving normally. He is so talented he can do anything but he can't focus and takes on two many projects.

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loveshine said...

Really you want your son to die .I Have a son and a daughter that have problems and now my son has a girlfriend with problems, Love and understanding and support is what they need, do you have no heart, So what if all is destroyed its material stuff ,you think you take it with you when you die, Do you want to make them feel even more unloved and useless .The girl her family abandoned her, I have a nervous condition and yes sometimes I asked them to leave when things get out of control and think of what has happened, but not without hugs love and hoping the best for them ,and after they gone for a bit they call and apologize for the uptenth time ,to seek forgiveness no one is perfect they are humans.I came on here to read and get informed,I have dealt with this for over 30 years and yes I do get stressed, People with bipolar need extra hugs compassion and love .why would anyone beat someone down to make them even feel more useless and bring their self esteem to the point where they will completely be broken, . so what if they are having a bad day and the house is a mess . Is a clean house worth more than a life,somedays I tell them I want to run away pack up but then I would worry who would be there for them ,so at the end of the day we say good night hugs love and hope we see each other tomorrow,and may tomorrow be a day without temper tantrums ,throwing things which just need to be replaced if not we do without, and all we will eat is oatmeal and you may not have nothing to wipe your butt with that is my tough love..It would break my heart if the children committed suicide because they feel unloved ..I am a widow and I have not much money but i sure am not putting the children on the street they are not garbage,Yes my sanity goes, and then I remember I am strong,yes I get called names but I know it is the illness , .so I do not take it personally, I have seen people treat their dogs better than their own children,these children are gifted with talents I agree they just do not know how to use them for they cannot focus,most are probably unknown geniuses .cause not many would even take time for them, now good night and blessings to all,

Anonymous said...

wow there is no hope is there. I read all these post and am totally depressed because there is no help, no cure, nothing to look forward too. And yes GOD will not help. He really won't. I have a 35 year old bipolar skitso daughter that can not live on her own. We are raising her and 2 of her 4 children. She has made our lives a living hell. I hate her with all my heart and also love her. Much of me hopes she dies now becasue there is not any hope according to these post. I have moved out of the home because she angers me to the point I may do somthing bad to her. I am not mean and angry normally but this is gone on too long. All you bloggers that allow your children to threaten you or abuse you becasue you are scared of them (shame on you) that is your fault for taking it. stand up and have them arrested get restraining order. The one thing my daughter does not attempt is any type of abuse toward us because she knows way down deep i will not take anything. .

nobody said...

I have a daughter 32 who is mental ill. but we can even get a diagnosis on her because she doesn't have a problem.. I do.. so she says. she is living in her car. I place her in an apartment for a week ,, hoping she would be inspired to stay there. she can't live with us . she to violent and paranoid. I just want her to be diagnosed.. I can't even get her foot through the Doctors door, and there are no answers to these problems. my heart brakes.

Jen said...

I am saving your last paragraph. I constantly try and put myself in my 17 year old daughter's shoes..I know she didn't ask for the cards dealt to her and I watch her hurt daily with the life she has..and the life she wishes she had. God and support groups..keeping that close to my heart.
Jen

Anonymous said...

I'm really going through it with my son he is going to be a dad in like 2 months he is adhd. Bipolar and a drug addict alcoholic he has been in 3 rehabs court ordered 2 placements I'm just heartbroken over him I have done the best I can to help him since he has been 5 years old I also have a 22 year old son and 7 year old daughter my 22 year has had it with me letting him come back home because he steals his stuff I had it with him now I told him he is not welcome in my home no more he stole 30 dollars
from his little sisters jewelry box I'm just so upset the mother of his baby text me n told me he was sleeping in a car he is so upset thinks we all hate him I can't keep leeting this happen I thought about 302 him it has been a week now I know I'm doing the right thing my 7 year old does not need to be around that craziness I text him n tell him I love him and I hope he gets the help he needs he never responds if anyone has advice it would help a lot thanks

Anonymous said...

I can't believe how much I can realte to all of the comments parents have written above. I could tell you my story but it is the same. I have a bipolar 26 year old that has made my life hell. I too struggle with him becoming homeless but the alternative is worse. The anger (extreme), the mood swings, the refusal to work (or inability to keep a job). The worst part is that I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I no longer feel safe. Now he smokes medical marijuana 5 times a day and when he runs out he has a complete break down. Then he quits cold turkey and does the same. I too love him but don't like him. I have started with a support group and that has helped but I have not taken the drastic steps that many in the group have but I am ready.

Anonymous said...

Stability that a bipolar sufferer ruins. Stability at the great expense of all family members. I have a daughter with bipolar. My only rule was she stay on medication and counseling. She refuses and continues on in her chaotic life that we must clean up. Bipolar isn't mental retardation. She has the ability to follow through, but refuses. So, I had no choice but to remove her from our home for the stability of my other children. Did you choose to write that scathing comment? Do you have the ability to think it through? Did you not have the mental capacity to review it before posting? Then you have the ability to decide as does my daughter.

No longer taking your shit said...

At a certain point, it's no longer about YOUR needs. It's about not being held hostage in your own home anymore by an abusive family member. When you become a physical threat to people and you won't take help, there is not always another choice. Conservatorships are not given everywhere. My state, PA, says the patient ALWAYS has the right to admit themself. Guess what happens next, they skate through a week and then click their heels on their way out of the unit, content that they can come back and make our lives a non stop nightmare again. And no matter what anyone does to try to help, as nice as we can be, try as hard as we can to make them comfortable...within a few hours they're screaming at us and threatening people and breaking shit again. Next step is the PFA. She's used up her last chance last night, running around with a knife, threatening her siblings.

Unknown said...

My mother has bipolar and we all feel the same way about her. We deal with her. The worst part is when she acts like the poster above..."You'll lose me! Our Relationship will suffer!" This is what people with bipolar do. They make threats and manipulate. I'm at the point where I don't want a relationship with her because she cannot take accountability. These people use their diagnosis' as a crutch so they can throw temper tantrums. Sick.

Anonymous said...

I have moved out of the home because she angers me to the point I may do somthing bad to her. I am not mean and angry normally but this is gone on too long. All you bloggers that allow your children to threaten you or abuse you becasue you are scared of them (shame on you) that is your fault for taking it. stand up and have them arrested get restraining order. The one thing my daughter does not attempt is any type of abuse toward us because she knows way down deep i will not take anything. http://www.10thclassresults2016.com/

Unknown said...

Sorry you are going thru this... My daughter was diagnosed with bipolar disorder II. What drew the line for me was coming home and my wife had barricaded herself in our bed room for fear my daughter would hurt her in her sleep. That was it! Not the $8000 I spent when my daughter got arrested for assult on police officer. But I refuse to be afraid in my own home!

Unknown said...

There are two parties on the receiving ends. And one party has worked all their lives to give their children a good life & opportunity. I'm dealing with kicking my 24 year old step daughter out because she had my wife fearing for her own life after my wife wasted all her off days from work & over $8000 because my daughter got in a bunch of legal trouble. It is not on the parent to make anyone follow a medical regimen, it is not on the parent if an adult child refuses to take the steps to even attempt to get well. Two receiving ends but only one caring end. Eventually we would have nothing and my daughter will go on destroying her life. And from my understanding & experience a person with by polar disorder that refuses meds & is in denial will cut off all lived ones they can't abuse & that will stand up to them!!

scapegoat said...

My bipolar son is 44. He is living with a higher functioning bipolar woman. They struggle financially and he struggles with anxiety and stress when working. He's unable to sustain a job. He is on disability for his illness, but he feels compelled to work because he wants to get better and work and she wants him to work. He stays on his meds, but they haven't helped with the stress of working at this point. My daughter lives across the country and we bought a house there. Now I'm having serious doubts about leaving my son behind because it is a 4.5-5 hr trip to get back to him. We do help him out financially as they need it. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. He has currently had about 3-4 jobs that didn't work out and became a little manic, but not violent. He has had no jail time, no alcohol, only mania and depression. He did once abuse prescription drugs, but he has been over that for many years. He tends to use very poor judgement when he is manic, but he has mostly always listened to his step-father and to me, too.

We are willing to move him to the area where we'll be moving, but afraid he will crash if anything happens to this relationship he's currently involved in. He's never lived with us and he has actually thanked us for that. I couldn't take his messiness and his agitated moods. I would get so agitated myself that I'd just want to leave my own home. His step-father is a wonderful man who is very calm and logical and has helped tremendously with handling him. Don't know what to do now. I feel anxious about the whole situation of moving because he has done well mainly because he scared himself when ill (wants meds) because he does have some insight into his mental illness. He also has almost always listened to us when he has been in crisis.

My daughter basically wants nothing to do with him because she sees him as 'dark' and 'selfish'. So, things could get dicey if we did move him across the country with us. My husband and I are 67 and my daughter wants to see to us when we are older. She's afraid my bipolar son will take great advantage of us when we can no longer handle our finances. He did take advantage of his grandmother this way and lived with her for several years. That was really hard because I knew my mom had some dementia at the time and she also wanted desperately to stay in her home. My son told her he would take care of her. They had a very immeshed relationship all my son's life. We had rules and boundaries, but she had none. He used her credit card to buy them groceries, but as she deteriorated, he used it without discretion and I'm afraid he would try to do the same thing with me if I were in her situation. When she was dying was when he developed this relationship with the woman he is living with now. Everyone thinks he is very selfish and conniving, and I know this has been a part of his personality make-up, but I also know that he lives in survival mode all the time because of his inability to maintain a job that meets his needs beyond meager disability income.

Anyone else dealing with bipolar adult child long distance??

Anonymous said...

So many stories that I can relate to with my brother wrecking havoc in my family, and in my life. I half-way thing this thing is caused by overly-stressful upbringing conditions. That is not to say 'parenting' only, but possibly any number of things that compose the conditions of growing up. In any case, when bipolar people are bad people (and not all of them are), the formula is to get them strict rules to follow - e.g. take your meds, behave yourself, and be working to improve your life = they can stay and live at your home. -or- if they break them, 3 strikes, and their out. Everyone can learn, sometimes that's what it takes.

Lady Scarlet said...

Our son is 26 he functions at 8-14 due to autism as well as bipolar. He refuses to take his night meds because he wants to stay up all night gaming with his friends. His doctor even came up with a plan to take his night meds during the day. He complained of sleeping all day.

So he was taking them normally till the Spring mania hit and now we are back to not taking our night meds, or taking them at 6am and sleeping all day. He has his doctor next month. I hope he has some ideas.

Anonymous said...

"So kicking ill people to the curb is resolution?"
This response made me laugh, obviously you don't deal with a bipolar person, or you're one of those overly sensitive, hug and love everything type of person or is bipolar yourself. I have a 19 year old daughter who is bipolar, but flat out refuses medication and treatment...she knows she's in terrible condition, she knows for a fact and is very proud of the fact that she's a bipolar person. She's pushed me, hit me, hit her younger siblings, who are absolutely terrified of her, she's extremely manipulative and blames the world for her problems...we've tried to help her, but like I said, she flat out refuses, and would rather put on the show that she's fine and the world revolves around her. Unless she goes through counseling, and sobers up from both drugs and alcohol, she's no longer welcome in my home

Unknown said...

Is there an one with a success story Reading these stories it seems hopeless.

Anonymous said...

I have a 22 year old bipolar son. His father is bipolar as well and on SS disability because of his bi-polar. Recently I had enough and had him move out. He is now homeless. I am relieving what I went through with his dad. It breaks my heart. I feel so hopeless but he refuses to think he has a problem.just so sad.

anonymous in ohio said...

I have bipolar illness and I live on my own. I receive ssi in the sum of $723 a month and I live in subsidized housing and pay all my utilities. After I pay my bills for July 2016 I will have $116.00 left over. It is not going very well as I just today spent $10.00 on unneeded groceries and the coffee shop. My teeth need repaired to the tune of $2,000 and my brother is going to pay for it. If it wasn't for him I would be looking like a jack 'o lantern.

I take my meds everyday no matter what. But in addition to bi polar illness I come from a very dysfunctional family and right now I am in intensive outpatient therapy to try and learn some decent coping skills. It has been a real eye opener how many psychological problems I have aside from the bipolar illness. I grew up in a family with addiction to give you an idea of what that was like.

I put my family through the ringer before I got on my medicine and for many years since then accepted their abuse because I felt guilty for giving them so much grief. But now I realize that they too can be abusive and I am just starting to learn how to stand up for myself to them. I am referring to my sisters, not my brother.

My son has no mental illness and can't understand why I can't just get a job and support myself. I wish I could do that, but I can't take the stress, no matter how small.

I read all the shares on this blog and my advice is to set boundaries for yourself and take care of yourself first, then your loved one. The woman who wants to commit suicide, stop blaming it on your loved one and get thyself to the psychiatrist.

The family has to accurately assess what other dysfunction exists besides the bi polar illness and that needs to be addressed.

It is hard to know the whole picture, but from what I have read here, it seems that living with the mentally ill one in your life is as painful as living without them. I know for myself when I first became estranged from my mother 13 years ago, I thought I would die from the pain, but now I feel good to not have her toxicity in my life. Apparently she feels the same way as she does not call me either.

Pick the best and leave the rest.

Anonymous said...

scapegoat,
Thank you for sharing. My situation is very similar to yours. My son is 28 and is diagnosed with Bipolar and Severe Paranoia. He becomes EXTREMELY violent, so I am not getting guardianship over hime, because I do not want to be liable for anything he does. He has been a relationship with a girl, who is Bipolar and does not take her medication. So, he has ended up in jail, 5 times already this year, but the charges were always dropped. His Dad was also Bipolar and Severe Paranoia. His Dad died in an automobile accident, which I was in as well. My son was 12 years old. So, what I lived with my husband, I am also living with my son. He has the same situation, with jobs, hired and fired. I am in the process of hiring an attorney to get him on disability. My new husband is very supportive of the situaton. Any suggestions.
mckinleyr

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Anonymous said...

This is a draining process and it is not and will not be easy or painless. Lots of worry, mixed emotions, self doubt and the list goes on for what only those who undergo this may feel. Myself and my wife arrived at a point to where we put our 20 year old on a bus back to some family in another state. She was gone for 2 years in an assisted living home but with the help of an even sicker and twisted grandmother, she was deemed competent and taken out of the home. The grandmother then drove her hours and dropped her off close to our home in which we took her back and from there it has been a year of total pain and deception. When I'm away she is verbally abusive in a bad way to her mom and she tries to act as if everything is a-ok when I am back at the house. Then she acts as if she owns the place and denies medication even if it's antibodies for infections. After giving her options of finding an apt nearby and trying to get her on a path, she derails everything and is now going away once more. I can't even write straight because of the nightmare that has been experienced. What is worse is not only is she bi-polar, one psych suggested schizoaffective and on top of that she had been coached basically by a mental grandmother to be able to get her way. Keep an eye out for those people, the one's that seem harmless, normal but they've flown under the radar somehow and refuse to get help. That is her grandmother unfortunately which makes this a lot harder to deal with...but there is a time where the cord has to be cut, and there are people that will think that is mean and selfish...but you have that privilege. You have to live your life and be able to accomplish your tasks without loosing control and loosing your jobs. Try to get them the help they need, if they deny it, move on to get them out of your home if they are causing you fear. The folks up top have mentioned some contacts for support and that is another good thing to do. I'm typically not one on support groups but this time, I'm up for anything. This was a very abridged version of what we've been through...its been an 8 year process. I hope everyone finds peace and that most everyone can find the right help or path for your loved ones.

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Unknown said...

I am from Australia and we have a very good health care system over all however I have not been able to get my 17 year old aon to see a counselor. I am a newly qualified social worker and am at a loss as what to do with my un diagnosed bi polar son. The only option that has been forced on me is to tell him to leave. If I don't i lose my housing. 1 only 17 but started smoking marijuana at 14. He trashed my last house by punching holes in the fragile walls. And I moved to a place with double brick but he smashed up my collectable furniture. I bought him two cars to learn to drive and he wrecked the one. He simply trashes boundaries'. He has abused me verbally for years. Yet I never even smacked him as a child. Like other parents I have prayed, cries and loved on him. He simply has mo consideration. I am so sad he has to go bit we have a good welfare system and he can get supported accomation. I with and supported a violent manipulative sister with bi polar for many years and I cant go through it again for a whole life time. God forgive me. I have let him go

Anonymous said...

My daughter's 34. She has 4 children. Today she took off leaving them all behind with her current boyfriend who she's been cheating on with his sisters husband. She them instructed her sister to lie for her if he called her. She is in manic mode. We don't know if she'll come back. It has been heartache upon heartache since she was 12. Drug addiction, felonies, so much money just gone trying to help her. Now both her sister and I have anxiety disorders and ptsd. She isn't just bi-polar..she's a sociopath. If those two are combined I don't think there is hope. There hasn't been any for her, her kids, or us. She is a ticking time bomb that blows up on a regular basis. I still look for my baby when I see her but there's never anyone there. We are all just here for her use.

David14 said...

My brother 31 (and I am 24) Lives at home, barely works and he has been tested as extraordinary smart when in highschool, and for the past 10 years has sat at home coming up with inventions and simply trying to find the easy way into financial success, because he refruses to work a real job. He is very explosive and violent when pushed, and often threatens with suicide. He has been doing this for 10+ years. He manipulates my parents by saying he will kill himself he is so sad. I could type out the word for word speech he always gives. My parents and siblings fall for his speech, but to me its not good enough. Its just wanting pity so he can remain bumming off my dad forever. I want him to work and leave the house, my dad wants to retire soon and I know he doesnt want his kids at home when he does. Has anyone else had to push something while constantly being threatened with suicide? I am visiting home next month and I plan on getting him out of the house and a job that I can get him. BUT WHAT IF HE COMMITS SUICIDE. That would make me a murderer and would never be able to come back from that.. what to do what to do. I am tired of "pussy footing" with him. Anytime anyone mentions him to do anything his immediate reaction is scream in your face, punch walls, and threaten suicide. He hates most people but is very much able to work. I work with people with autism and help them find jobs and they have 1000 more obstacles to deal with than he does.

Concerned said...

wHEN FACILITIES DONT HELP FAMILIES AND END UP PROTECTING THE bI-POLAR CONFIDENTIAL MEDICAL FINDING THAT ARE COMING FROM THE ILL PERSON WHAT HAS THE HEALTH SYSTEM BECOME.They dont listen to a sister thats lived with them for years.

Anonymous said...

This is the first time that I am posting a my comment on any website regarding my brothers illness.

My elder brother who is now in his mid twenties was diagnosed with schizophrenia 7 years ago. I am certain that he is bipolar and not schizophrenic. I have tried telling his doctor about his misdiagnosis but the doctor believes that he is schizophrenic because of the symptoms that the rest of my family has told to the doctors. They miss out on all the symptoms that point towards him being bipolar.

Anyways, these last 7-8 years have not been easy for me or my family. My bro has been admitted to the hospital 5 as he got out of control. We had to call the cops all these 5 times as he got really violent. He is non compliant and in denial. Whenever he gets admitted to the hospital, he promises that he would take his medicine, but when he gets out, he stops taking his medicine regularly after 2-3 months.

Now I am tired of this... i just pray everyday for him to get better and acknowledge his problem or die.

My parents are partly at fault as whenever he gets admitted, my parents take him out within 10 days. Eventhough he doesnt accept that he has a problem.

When ever he gets manic or violent or abusive, everyone in my house sleep with the locks on the door...I cant even go out and study or attend a class peacefully as i fear for the well being of my family. I worry that he might do something to my parents or my mom or my sisters...

Thats why i carry a knife in my pocket, for my well being and my familys well being.. I am tired of this... this is effecting every aspect of my life... i am scared all the time... I have lost all hope... and if it was upto me, i would get him admitted to the hospital and never take him out, EVER! or i would ask him to leave the house... but im afraid asking him to leave isnt a good option.. as he might be dangerous to other people. please tell me what to do.. i want this to end... i want to sleep without having to carry a knife... i want to see my family happy, and not in fear for their life..

Anonymous said...

I consider myself a bipolar "success story." After battling the illness since the age of 12, over 20 years of misdiagnosis/ trial and error to find the right combination of medications, and years of being trapped in an abusive marriage that kept me stressed and hopeless...I have emerged on the other side of hell. It has taken acceptance of the fact I have a serious mental illness, aggressively educating myself about what is known regarding bipolar disorder, total commitment to not letting the disease define me, and absolute self discipline regarding caring for myself. No illegal drugs, no alcohol, removing toxic people from my life, contacting my psychiatrist or therapist at first hint of mood instability. This illness can be managed. Professionals have told me that I have one of the most severe cases of BD that they have seen, but manage it the best. Maturity helps! It can be very hard for young people to accept their mood disorder is "real." Also hypomania can feel very addictive, until it becomes full-blown mania and not nearly as fun. I was fortunate to gain insight into my illness and what it would take to manage it well. It took many years and was a long process. I do think that no mental illness gives a person license to be abusive to family members or anyone else. "Tough love" to me just means having strong, healthy boundaries. I recommend anyone dealing with loved ones with mental illness and/or addictions educate yourself about having good boundaries and how to enforce them firmly, with compassion. Sometimes, that may mean letting your loved one struggle enough, and become uncomfortable enough, to accept treatment. It does not mean giving up hope!

Anonymous said...

I understand what u mean about being afraid of your own child. My 21year old son is very scary.when my mother moved away he became homeless. That broke my heart knowing I couldn't give him a room to sleep in, I was going through tough times also. Now more than ever he is very violent towards everyone specially me and his ex girlfriend which they have two beautiful daughters. He blames me for everything that happens whether I'm around or not.we have been in a fist fight, well I lost. There is restraining order on him from his ex due to violence. He is good some days but most days r not good. Todaywas worst day ever, he woke up and was getting mad cuz I got him the last donuts and just got more and more mad his children were visiting and he started flipping out on me cuz they had to go home. It was very bad situation for all of us I was so scared and his children were also and they r 2yrs and 10mths.i can't take it anymore of his threatening me and I told him I'm done with him until he gets help. I was the last person he had to go to for help, I don't know what to do anymore about him. I really want to get him help before he does something stupid and is to late but don't know how to. It hurts me so much that I cry everyday about it and feel really bad. I just can't take it anymore

Anonymous said...

Hi, I understand what you going though similar my brother find out 6 years ago he have geneic bipolar before he find out he was very angry, abusive person toward me named anythings you can think knife stabbing, choking, 32 inch tv from up stair throwing down to my back, push my head to wall broke a big hole on the wall and I had pass out more then 100 time in my life. I never in million years thought my own sweet brother would ever do this to me after he find out he was bipolar things got more worse his mood swing take a turn one moment he sweet next he gone crazy everytime he does he pick on me throwing stuff at me and hit me and now he taken his med but some day it work some day it don't and My parents had to get apartment for him to live I was moving back home for short period can't habe him at home but we got called landloard apartment said he was kick out breaking stuff and screaming too loud everyone can heard he moved back home I can't talk, go kitchen and eat like I want to I had waited for my father come home only way I was able to talk and eat. I been trying to get over face my brother abusive forgive him now he have bipolar but memory is hard it turn my life upside down no supporter around to talk to my parents always say what about them I understand what they have to deal but they never been abusive and since then I start dating nice mans which I thought was nice 2 years relationship they abusive me he left me which was good or I didn't know what to do then after 2 years date othetlr person findout doing 2 years relationship he had bipolar he start beating me up and get in angery rage he also leave me. I'm 35 year old trying to figure my life trying get back my career, and life that I once has it hard leave all this to past not let's it effect my life anymore but it keep coming back now only things I can do it live with it and find other situration.

Anonymous said...

I would like to thank everyone for your sharing your stories and suggestions. I wish that no one would have to go through this, the family or the person who has bipolar disorder, severe paranoia and mood disorder, like to son. However, it is a bit of a relief to know that I am not alone in this. There are so many others, out there, who understand.

Anonymous said...

We are at the other end.
We have asked our 24 year old to move in with us from her city to ours (different country, too) after a Suicide attempt.
First She was accepting, un have told her it is temporary until she gets back on her feet again; I spent a week with her, payed her bills , washed her clothes, took her shopping... and now that i am going back to prepare for her arrival, she has become angry and cold.I leave with a broken heart and terrified of what's to come. She has agreed to take her meds and Skype her therapist; but I am very nervous about the dynamics especially during the holidays with her younger siblings, family, and house guests. I have tried to be calm, encouraging, and understanding, but yesterday I lost it and got angry and defensive on account of fear, hurt, and guilt. Up to yesterday, we'd had a very good relationship.
Please, any ideas on how to promote and begin healing?



sc said...

My 24 year old daughter is non compliant with meds and treatment. Has been backer acted over 50 times, encarcerated for soliciting, resisting an officer with violence, treaspassing, and many other reasons.
She is verbally abusive , confrontational , her behavior is bizarre and irrational. Three 1/2 years ago I had to have a hysterectomy, the following year diagnosed with breast cancer. I also have a 14 year old with ADHD who's terrified of her. My bipolar daughter has had over 25 phones which she ends up loosing or they end up being stolen. She self medicates with drugs & alcohol. Last year was admitted to the state hospital for over & months, prior to that she was in the hospitals psych unit for 6 months.
As much as I love and care for her I can not have her home. She requires complete supervision. When she is here she disrupts the entire household including my pets. I feel myself living manic thru her life. Her poor continuos poor choices have leg her to be beaten, robbed several times, raped numerous times, & homeless .
My question is .... what do you do at this point?
Do I accept the fact everything that could be possibly fine has been done and she most likely will end very hurt or killed?

Anonymous said...

Hi, I have a 24 year old daughter who has always had problems since she was around 3. She used to see spiders and had to be carried around for months, had uncontrollable rages, wouldn't sit for a time out (one minute per year of her age-per doctor's advice) wouldn't stay in her car seat, she had so much of a problem with the word "no" up until just a year or so ago. When in her late teens threatened to kill myself and her dad in our sleep, name calling, hatefulness, the list goes on and on and on. She doesn't appreciate anything that is done for her and thank you's just started to occasionally be said. We really had a tough time of it when my third child was born when she was almost 9, after that it all got much worse because of the jealousy (she is the oldest of 3) and forget the teenage years.The stealing, lying, utter disrepectfulness. The horror! The stress! I'm surprised I'm still sane. Honestly, neither one of knew how to handle her. We thought for years it was just being a spoiled rotten child. Her father is undiagnosed bipolar and an alcholohic, I was depressed because of all the problems and full of anxiety and also drank. There was alot of verbal fighting because our relationship was not good. We both held good jobs, had a beautiful home, the kids had everything and were very well taken care of. My other two kids also suffered with the all the tension, fighting and outbursts. I did not know my daughter was bi polar until around 16. The doctor said she was border line. The other said she was def bi polar. I divorced her dad 5 years ago and my life has been much calmer and this has been better for all of my children. I was on the verge of a mental breakdown living with 2 bi polar people. She stayed with him at first and has been staying with me for about 2 years now. With me and with her friends. My problem now is that while she seems to be much better than she used to be. She is not on medication and I'm sure she won't go on any. For the most part now she's pretty good until she has a manic episode because of some type of drama in her life (and takes it out on me) When she does work she tends to keep a job for up to a year, but usually get's fired for some "perceived" thing that someone said she did that she will deny. She isolates herself from me. Won't talk to me on the phone-only brief texts. She won't even sit and watch tv with me, go on vacation, barely speaks to me, won't do anything at all with me. Then says I don't even know her. I've been trying...I am there for her, I love her unconditionally, have told her this.I have great relationships with my other 2 kids. She said tonight that "I beg" her to have a relationship and she wants to just be left alone. Even though she's extremely social and well liked in her friends circle. I told her she only has one mother and I won't be here forever. Things have been said and done in the past due to her behavior, that shouldn't have been but when you feel bullied mentally and physically as a parent by your own child harsh things come out when you are at your breaking point. She would push by even walking down the hallway. Purposely butting into you even when I had injured my back severely for a riding accident. I have learned to be better about how to handle her after much research on bi polar. I'm glad I got to talk about this on this forum. Is there any advice on how to have a real mother daughter relationship with my daughter. I know we would both benefit by it greatly. I know she loves me. She just doesn't realize it.

Someone's Mom said...

Wow. This totally sucks. Being new to the world of mania, my daughter was diagnosed just recently at the age of 19. She was into cocaine and pot. Totaled my car and got a dui on Jan 1. She went into inpatient psych unit for a total of 5 days. I thought that would be the beginning to the road of wellness. It wasn't. Not taking her meds. This has only been for a month. How do you do it for years? I feel for everyone of you. Wish I would have read these blogs before I kicked her out of my house. The advice I got was "It's your house, your rules." Tough Love. Maybe that wasn't the right thing to do. At least she wasn't violent. Just wanted to hand out cookies to strangers. How do you convince someone to take meds when they don't believe they need them? What else has to happen? Serious bodily harm? Incarceration? I was hoping to find some positive outcomes. I don't think I will be reading anymore blogs. Too depressing. A mom.

Anonymous said...

I would shoot that basted in between the eyes.

catherine said...

Schizophrenia is a brain disorder. I've been suffering for about 8 years. I feel that if I had positive advice from Psychologists and Psychiatrists and family and friends I would have had a better time with recovery. I hear voices and have delusions. I come into contact with is using telekinesis to communicate their thoughts and feelings, including sexual sensations without touching. Just hearing the name the advice is take a pill. There are no hugs no you will be alright it is a death sentence. I have use different prescription drug all to no avail I'm supposed to be dead by now. While surfing the internet one fateful day, I learned about Doctor on the internet called Taylor. I contacted him with some info and I ordered for the Herbal medication and used the medication for 5 months, though hesitantly, considering the fact that I have done a lot of procedure. After which I went for medical test It worked! I've been schizophrenia free, Over a year now, I have not show any symptoms of schizophrenia and I believe I am cure if you want to contact him at this email doctor.taylor76@gmail.com +1(936) 657-1274

Anonymous said...

I wish I could offer you some practical advice but I'm going through the same thing with my brother. He is a bi polar alcoholic. He get a very angry although isn't violent to actually people. He smashes things,makes terrible decisions,get a involved with women more mentally ill than himself which has resulted in several hospital trips and police incidents. He can't hold down a job. He goes through cycles of drinking and detox/rehab just to start again and when he's drinking they won't give him his meds. Once he starts he has to keep going as stopping drinking sent him into seizures and nearly killed him last time. He us being evicted next week and will be homeless. I have no space for him,my mum can't take him in because of her job,she is crb the checked and he has a conviction against him and my father refuses to bring all this into his home. I should add that the last time he lived with my mother he stole from her and sold her belongings to buy alcohol. He's done this to previous girlfriends too and he gets so drunk he passes out unconscious on the living room floor in his own vomit. I have no idea what to do to help him and I can't bare the thought of him sleeping under a bridge or on a park bench somewhere. Especially as his bipolar condition makes him make such crazy impulsive decisions. I am not eating or sleeping properly and arguing with my partner who has lost sympathy for him at this point. I am also worried for my mum whose blood pressure has gone through the roof and whose marriage is under immense strain at this point. I am struggling just to get up in the morning.

Anonymous said...

I feel the same way about my brother. He is bipolar and alcoholic and is constantly in hospital or a police cell. He is about to be made homeless and I think hoping someone will take him in but he is ruining our lives. Everyday is miserable. I just want to cut him off entirely but cannot cope with the guilt. I used to be happy. Now my relationship is failing,my jobs on the rocks and I'm about to start anti depressants. Feel ike killing myself sometimes

Anonymous said...

Dr Jurly

My name is Vickie Nickie, my daughter is 31. She has been having terrible problems with alcohol and addicted to drug for about 6 or 7 years. As time goes on she just gets worse and worse. Of course her drinking means that she ends up in the company of some pretty awful people. Drinkers of course. These men that she finds only seem to make her life so much worse. She then drinks more to get away from her terrible life and so it goes on. We have tried for years to give her as much support as we can. Financially she has depended on us for years now.

Trying to believe that if we let her hit ‘rock bottom’ she would finally quit drinking. All that happened was that she became really ill and had to be taken to hospital. She isn’t the type of alcoholic who can carry on some kind of life. When she drinks, that is all she does. She stays in her flat and drinks and smokes all night and all day until she physicality cannot cope. Then she has a few days off it, then it all starts again.

She has a good education, is good looking, and when she isn’t drunk she is good company. It is tearing our family apart to see her throw her life away like this. As her mother I seem to be living her life too. If she has a good day – then I have a good day,

I think she will end up,, by accident, killing herself. It is so, so sad. She had tried AA. That took us years of pleading with her to attend some meetings. They seemed to help a little bit but she has stopped going. I think she realizes that there are people there just like her who have managed to quit and somehow she doesn’t seem to want to be part of that. She just keeps making up excuses or lies about why she won’t go back.

She has managed to get through interviews and even managed to go to work. That lasts sometimes only for a few days. Then she starts drinking and lets everyone down again.

i have seen post and i have seen people going through a lot of things cause of a stigma that one doesn’t pray for but all thanks to big help i got from Dr Jurly, who saw me through pains and make me understand that nothing is impossible for God to do. now she is well and started her life over again at a point of breaking down. i still cant say much but God know that i am so happy I know I can’t make her stop all this, I have tried. I realize from reading other peoples posts that I really need to get myself some help, I have paid $10,000. of thousands to get her help and to pay for her life and yet, here I am, depressed and so stressed about something that I am failing to fix. As a mother that i, so painful. Alcohol addiction is a terrible thing. It robs people of their lives really. It often feels to me that I am watching her, very slowly, killing herself. Taking me with her too. After I finish writing this I am going to book my self an appointment with a good therapist and try to find perhaps an AA meeting. I have to do something . thanks to Dr Jurly. for all of your help and assistance to help her regain all she left behind, if you have same problem or mental issue you could contact: Dr Jurly FOR SOME PERSONAL COUNSELING OR FAMILY COUSELING.(CONTACT INFO…jurlyherbscure11@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

Have a 29 year old daughter. Suffering from bipolar. Has been in and out of hospitals. Self harms and suicidal. Has had problems with alcohol and weed. She is a beautiful person and will go out of her way to help friends. Has been taken advantage of when she was working (always filling in when needed doing long hours). Assualted at 18. We have tried and tried to help her but unfortunately to this day haven't succeeded. I will always try and help her. Her father is loosing patients. She is seeing a psychologist who has been helping. Just last night tried to take her own life. This is a constant cycle for the past 3 years. I know she will always have bipolar, but apparently it can be managed. No self esteem. Anyone been through the same situation and succeeded??

Unknown said...

i have a rommate that has bipolar and sizo. she and I live with a live in caregiver. She does not like anybody comes to her with general convos and questions. she becomes moody with that. I think she has been babied and coddled all her life. our caregiver needs to tell her to stop her attitude. she mumbles for no reason and I am tired of it. It is a attention seeker.

Unknown said...

The courts are against the family members and prosecutors are only interested in revenge and their own court score card. There is no help for us family members. We parents are the ones who should rise up and commit violence against the system and the lack of mental health care. I used to be normal and now my fatigue and despair has left me angry and violent.

Anonymous said...

Thank you "Unknown" for your 10/26/16 comment. My oldest daughter (21 going on 22) was recently diagnosed as being Type II Bipolar & it has been both a relief & a huge heartbreak. A relief knowing WHY my wonderful daughter's personality has changed over the years, a heartbreak that my wonderful child has a very tough path ahead of her. Reading the previous posts has helped me wrap my head around her diagnosis & is helping me gain a clearer picture of what we (my daughter, her little sister [who is 20], I, & the people we're close to), are dealing with & what may be in our future. (And thank you to EVERYONE who has been willing to share their experiences - the good & the bad - on this blog. I'm sure sharing was difficult, but I thank you for doing it & for trying to provide some kind of understanding & order to a situation that seems so chaotic...really...thank you!!!) My daughter has in no way been violent or manipulative...but over the last 8 to 10 months, she has been deeply depressed & had discarded most of her possessions with the intent of running away & taking her life (she wanted to kill herself far from home so her sister & I wouldn't have the trauma of finding her body). She has had moments when she's been determined to work hard & try to make a positive future for herself (work, school, etc.), & there have been moments when she's had low energy & seemed unable to think clearly or find any type of motivation. On top of the depressive states, she has been suffering from physical health issues, which have taken a back seat to the more pressing mental health issues. The bipolar diagnosis came after a manic episode which prompted my daughter, with the support of her sister & I, to seek admittance to a local ER for her "psychological emergency". In short, my daughter was transferred to a local facility where she was diagnosed, treated & discharged in a week. My daughter struggled at first (being away from home, unsure she would receive adequate help, etc.), but after the first day at the facility, she responded well to the prescribed medications. During the week, her dosage was changed often (& often without her knowledge) & it wasnt until today, the day after her discharge & return home (she lives with her sister & myself) that she realized her medication dosage wasn't quite right & she may have been been discharged prematurely. Of course, hearing that was upsetting because ALL of us...her family, case manager & psychiatrist, have been working hard to help & support her manage her bipolar disorder. I started to despair (again) from fear of the unknown...of what to do now & where to turn especially since things were starting to look hopeful & promising (& btw, despite the emotional toll this experience has taken on all of us, it's taken a financial toll...I've burned through many hours of sick leave, vacation, etc., & have taken leave without pay & have drained what little bit of savings I DID have.) But having read the previous posts, I realized that once my daughter did seek help & was diagnosed, she never ran from it, but rather acknowledged it & did/is doing everything she can to manage her bipolar disorder.

Anonymous said...

She attended all the groups offered at the facility that were appropriate for her, she attended all her one-on-one therapy sessions, has & is actively trying to get her medication dosages right & either return to the facility for additional help, or be placed in a local intensive outpatient program so she can start leading a productive, well balanced life...in short, she is trying so hard, at her young age, to manage this disorder. Seeing her work so hard is encouraging...& of course it just makes us around her want to work that much harder for her. And reading Unknown's post gave me hope that there are people who are bipolar & have worked/are working hard...with success...in managing their disorder. Thank you for giving us hope...you have no idea how much we needed that...

Anonymous said...

Hi, we have a 22 year old daughter. I noticed there was something wrong at age 2. She was a lovely child, but at times would get moody and angry for no reason. Cry a lot when she was an infant. She was loving and caring, but for some reason all the kids at her day care, school and high school seemed to veer away from her. She sat many times alone at lunch and got picked on at school. Of course I spoke with teachers etc to sort this out. She told me it didn't matter to her, she was fine. I was there for her with Love, Support, Encouragement and big hugs. This continued until year 10. When she went into year 11-12 of high school, she had a mental break down at school. I was called in to get her out of a classroom which she locked herself in. I went quickly, talked her out of the room, and took her straight to our local GP for a Referral to see a Psychiatrist. She begged me to rip up the letter as she didn't want to be labelled 'crazy'. She cried hysterically until I did it. I did however, tell her that she NEEDED to see a psychologist, and she did. She explained to the psychologist the problems she had experienced, being afraid to stay in the car on her own, pulling her hair out at age 12, feeling like ppl were looking at her when we went shopping, having mood swings, being up all night, not feeling comfortable with her identity and questioning if she wanted to be transgender. Unfortunately the one we went to was useless. She told her to buy a vanilla candle and when she felt bad to just smell it. RIDICULOUS! I took her out immediately and started looking for a new doctor. In the meantime our daughter told us that the problem is because she felt more male than female. So I looked up a gender identity psychologist to see her. It was determined that she was a good candidate and so the process started to help her become transgender. After an emotional and financial rollercoaster for my husband and I, and will ALL our love and support - we were there for her. After starting and stopping the process a few times. The Endocrinologist started questioning whether or not to continue this as he thought this was not the solution to her problems. She then came to us, 'what was I thinking wanting to be a male'. I couldn't believe that after 8 months of treatment she said this. However, I didn't argue with her. I just said. 'Let see what the problem is'. We went back to see her Psychiatrist, who was part of the 3 team gender assessment team, and told him about her moods being high and low. She came out with course of Lovan for Depression. It didn't help at all. My daughter then told us she wanted to sort out her face instead, as she had acne. I paid for a Dermatologist to treat her with Octane/Roaccutane - $60 a box. She did 8 months of this treatment and when her face got better, she stopped and so the process had to be started all over again...

Anonymous said...

...She then wanted to stop seeing the Dermatologist - and so we stopped the appointments. She asked she could get her eyes fixed as she couldn't see without glasses. I paid for Lasix eye surgery $2,500 per eye. It took two jobs to pay for this. I ONLY wanted her to be happy for once. After getting surgery, eye drops had to be administered every 5 hours. She refused to allow me to touch her. That was in December 2017. The next couple of months had a few ups and down, mainly downs. She'd lock herself in her room, not come out to speak be in a bad mood. Not want to eat food we prepared for dinner. Be up at all hours. By March I had had enough. So I lost it! I have always been supportive, understanding and took all the crap I could take. So yes! I yelled at her (she was in her room at the time) it was not face to face. My rant took 7 mins maximum. Then I calmed down. I think I just needed to let it out. 5 hours later, she was still locked in her room. I went around to ask if she wanted dinner, 'no' was her response. My husband came home from work. I told immediately what had happened. An hour later we saw her come out of her room and race to the front door. We asked her if she was okay as she was fully dress. The door bell rang and there was the Police. They came in and said that a friend of hers had called them to say that 'I' had threatened her with a knife. This was ridiculous!!! The cop came in looked around and realised it was a mental health issue. They took her to our nearest hospital. She was assessed for an hour and then released to her grandfather who lives 3 hours away. We haven't seen her for 8 months so far. Whatever she told her grandfather must of being pretty believable as he is protecting her from 'us'!! I don't know why! What did we do?? She has refused to speak with me via text, phone, letters anything! We don't know what to do. I love her so much!!! :'(

Gladys said...

If your son or daughter is receiving SSI for their "mental illness"/drug addiction, try applying to be their Representative Payee. You will be in control of their monthly deposit from the government and you can either hand out cash to them or view their purchases via online banking. This will hopefully deter them from buying drugs, since the substance industry is cash only.

Anonymous said...

Our journey into this darkness began 23 years ago when my daughter was just 14, she is now 37. At first, she was diagnosed as a manic depressed person but after her first incarceration she was diagnosed bipolar. Life has been really hard on the entire extended family. Her children, my parents,myself and my fiance have all been subject to her abuse.
I do love her with all my heart but, I feel safer when she is incarcerated. She has been in and out of jail and rehab for the last nine years. It has not helped her but has given some small relief to her family because we know where she is at and she has to take her medication they give her.
She will probably be released within the next 12 months and I don't know what to do. She appears to do fine as long as she is on intense supervision but as soon as she is released she goes back to her old ways. She has burnt every bridge that she ever had and now she has nothing. I really need some help. She can't stay with me or my parents because the abuse is killing us and her father will not even talk to her.
I'm just so sad.

Cindy said...

My daughter was diagnosed bipolar 3 years ago. Last January we started her in counseling/therapy she was put on 2 different medications. Shehasnt been compliant to either ...her appointments and taking her medications. She had a job for close to a year,taking her meds only if she was reminded to. Well right before the holidays she was let go fired! After just weeks before she told me she started making commission on sales...I found out she hasn't taken her meds in awhile. So I know why she was fired she couldn't focus on her job. She was living with me (mom) and stepdad. But, because pop was always grouchy she would stay in her room. She would do nothing all day. I would come home from work she's still laying in bed. I'd tell her to take a shower because she stunk! Etc etc. Now she's at my other daughters house. Is doing the same thing there. Only her sister is more stern with her about chores than I was. But,my oldest daughter has young children to take care of,it's too much for her to handle her younger sister also... I feel it's my resposiblity,but my husband wants to retire and move south,I would like to bring her with me but my husband doesn't feel the same way. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. My daughter with bipolar will be 30 Sept 2018. In my heart of hearts and cannot leave her on her own she won't make it. Can someone offer me any advice. Cindy

Anonymous said...

I feel your pain. My son is 25 bipolar, violent at times. Everyday turns our lives upside down. So when you say you think about when and if he dies, we've all had that thought. Sure you are like me and just want him to get better and stop with the constant chaos. I am afraid that if I kick my son out, he will burn the house down with everyone in it. At least that's what he says he will do. Prayers to all going through this. It's basically ruined my life and my husbands.

Unknown said...

I found your comments helpful. Thank you for sharing!!

Anonymous said...

what do we do when our 42 bipolar son refuses to take ANY responsibility for his life or health, wont pay bills even when working, wont pay taxes even when brother in law offers to prepare them ( and he would get money back!!!) blames us for everything wrong in his life. he has never obeyed laws, lost drivers license at age 24, so cant drive, wont try to get his license back. He is on meds but they do not seem to help...he wont make any effort, wont make phone calls for housing even when counselor finds him a halfway house, loses jobs over and over, refuses to sign papers to try to get him SS, he is homeless, manipulating, wants us to feel sorry for him so he can live with us as a completely dependant child, yet is angry and verbally abusive to us. His rages are scary and we are retired and live in a very rural area with limited resources so living with us wouldn't help any of his issues. we are so stressed and honestly , this has caused misery in our lives. We love him, tell him so, but feel totally incapable of helping him until he is willing to help himself. it sounds like a hard line, but nothing we have done has made any real difference...it just gets torn back down eventually.

Anonymous said...

What do we do? We have a 42 year old bipolar and major depressive son. He is very intelligent but lacks motivation for anything, will not take advice on any level. He does take meds but they don't make any difference because he will not make ANY efforts to manage his life. He goes to therapy but told me he's not going to tell her all his personal stuff. He refuses to take an responsibility, even to walk his laundry to a laundromat. We have helped pay his rent and bills in the past, trying to get him caught up, but its endless and we cant keep paying. Even though he is now is homeless, refused to look for housing or let us help him find housing, yet refused to go to a halfway house that his counselor arranged. He lies, manipulates us, wants us to feel sorry for him yet he is verbally abusive, blames us for all of the consequences of a lifetime of poor decisions. He refuses to pay any bills, or pay taxes, even though a family member is a CPA and can get this done for him (and he would get a tax refund). He cant hold a job more than a few months then just doesn't show up. He is often implying suicide and when his counselor sent him to hospital, he denied that he would commit suicide so was released. We are frustrated, live in a rural retirement area 40 minutes away from an economically depressed town, with limited resources for therapy and transportation. He wants us to take him in and he would be totally dependant on us. He cant stand to be here for more than a weekend, so that would not work. He accuses us of abandoning him, yet wont even try to get in control of his life. Yet at times, he can act so together that no one can believe he has any issues. any advice would be appreciated..we are getting too old to deal with this.

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