Mental Illness - Living with Consequences

Recently, I was part of a panel of consumers of mental health services and family members, talking about their firsthand experiences with mental illness. Speaking about both my past manias and subsequent work with the mentally ill, I sat raptly at attention and listened to a couple who were sharing their experience dealing with a mentally ill son. They told their story of a son who had turned mean, threatened physical violence, and spent days locked in his room This couple was on the verge of being terrified in their own home, even to the point of putting a lock on their bedroom door. As I listened, I was filled with concern and dismay. “My gosh,” I thought. “They’re prisoners in their own home. They have to take back their lives.”

As I reflected on their plight, I was drawn to speak to them and repeated my thought of their need to take back their lives. Their response was one of agreement. I went on to suggest a disciplined, tough-love stance. They responded in a murmuring tone, of past attempts to set boundaries gone astray. They were clearly overwhelmed, feeling defeated, and my suggestions of resolute sternness brought out hopeless irritation on their part. They’d been there and were loath to return to that place of helplessness. They were not ready to put their son out, despite their struggle. I recognized a lack of positive response to my counsel as parental regard, mixed with frustration and defeat. I thought to regroup my remarks and was about to speak when a family caregiver next to me on the panel interjected. What she said was concise and to the point.

“Despite suggestions of tough love, you have to be able to live with yourself. No matter how difficult it may be to live with your son, and while it’s true you have to find some way to intercede with him, you have to be ready to accept the consequences.”

Because I knew this family caregiver and her story, I knew what she was saying was true. She’d lost a bipolar young adult son to suicide and another to paralysis after an unsuccessful suicide attempt. She’d been ready to put her son out of the home if he wouldn’t stay compliant with medication. Now, she was caring for a quadriplegic who was mentally ill. She had been ready to follow through with tough love and expressed no regrets. But, she was able to reach out to that couple with wise counsel in a way that I could not. She taught me something. You have to be able to live with your decisions, and when you are ready, you will do the right thing.