My wife and I were recently talking about my anger outbursts. Yes, I was over it but my wife was not. Sometimes, it leaves a scar.
I’m not an angry person. I’m normally a nice guy, a caring guy. My wife often says, "You’re a wonderful husband," then after a short pause adds, "most of the time."
I grew up in a loud family. My father discussed things at 125 decibels. I was always fearful of his occasional outbursts, as they made me feel small and afraid. I learned at an early age that the power of control and speaking over someone were ways to attain my point in a discussion or argument. I used that loud voice for effect and advantage until one day when I tried to end an argument with my sister by shouting. She suddenly burst into tears, "Please don’t yell at me, Don. It upsets me." That message was received clearly. I made a conscious decision to no longer use my voice for control.
But it didn’t stop there. It dwells in my marriage of 25 years. It resonates when I discipline my grandsons. "Stop yelling at me," my wife says. I am quick to reply. "I’m not yelling at you. I’m just raising my voice." The best defense is a good offense, or so I believe.
I love my grandsons. I am a proud grandfather. There are, however, times I have to discipline them; sometimes out of frustration from their misbehavior. At those times I yell at them to stop. They are immediately fearful. The six year old may break into tears and will say to me. "Poppy, it makes me feel sad when you yell at me.” Initially, I regarded his statement as a manipulation to avoid being reprimanded, but I have come to understand he is expressing a genuine feeling of hurt and fear. I now try to keep my voice calm when I need to teach him a correct behavior. I want him to love me and enjoy our time together, not be fearful and on guard.
Being bipolar doesn’t make any of this easier. Rather, it only complicates matters when I raise my voice. I am left in a quandary the likes of which brings up a question disturbing in nature. Is my yelling anger? Is it an episode? Is it a symptom of bipolar disorder? Or is it simply normal? In fact, where does normal leave off, and manic excess begin? I hope to answer that question in future posts, or at least shed some light on the matter.
Anger Mania
When Moods Change Dramatically
He sat there, propped up on one elbow, slouched in his seat. He looked like a deflated elf, his round eyes sunken in their sockets, his skin a gray pallor. “I don’t know what happened”, he said. “Two months ago I was on top of the world. There was nothing I couldn’t do. My wife says she can’t understand how I was able to function on three hours sleep and still have boundless energy. I never felt so good in my life. Now, it all seems beyond me. I feel stuck like I’m on a roller coaster, and I’ve become glued to the bottom of a high ride, a bottom I can’t seem to shake. I’d rather not be alive if it means living with this sense of hopelessness and futility. What’s wrong with me? I can’t stop crying.”
I hear this story in various degrees and shades of emotion all too often. My client is talking about mood changes that seem to have a life of their own. They stem from no particular losses or grievances, which might explain his sense of acute melancholia. What further complicates this picture is the alternation of moods, the ever irrepressible highs of boundless energy, the sharp drop into apathy. What is happening here?
There are several variations and explanations through which we can understand dramatic mood changes. Are we, for instance, talking about a swing in mood from our normal, everyday “OK”state into a depressive state? Or, is there also the presence of sharp spikes in energy characterized at its extreme by a grandiose, inflated sense of self? As well, there are degrees of intensity to take into account.
The sinking into despair is what is termed a clinical depression. It may occur in response to a crisis or significant life event, run its course over a matter of weeks or months, and in time recede into the past. Sometimes there may be no apparent stressor. What we have recently come to understand is that there may be a chemical imbalance triggered by some kind of stressful occurrence. Depression appears to run in families.
Of further concern is the fluctuating of mood between intense “highs”called manias along with a cycling into depression. This is termed manic depression or, bipolar disorder. In its extreme it can be highly debilitating and like depression, lethal. Mania can result in acute thought dysfunction, impairing a person’s ability to think logically. As well, one may become involved in highly questionable schemes, financial &/or personal, resulting in financial repercussions, promiscuity and brushes with the law.
There are milder versions of heightened mood fluctuations termed cyclothymia and hypomania. Cyclothymia is a fluctuation or cyclic alternation of mood, without the intensity of its more severe cousin, bipolar disorder. Hypomania is a heightened state of energy - filled expansiveness less severe then mania. It often feels enhancing with a sense of productiveness, while having less of a downside, at least on the surface. Mania and hypomania are quite seductive. They often involve such a sense of powerfulness and confidence, that one becomes caught in expansive well being, the abrupt deflation of which seems all the more cruel. Like other mood disorders, there appears to be a genetic link (it runs in families).
Our understanding of the causes and biochemical underpinnings of dramatic mood shifts has increased in the last 20 years. We know that once established, mood disorders are more likely to persist and grow worse. This is called “Kindling.” Studies show that the sooner a mood disorder is treated, the greater the chance for a complete recovery. Virtually,75% of those affected can be treated successfully, either with complete cessation of symptoms or a significant reduction.
What does one do when he finds himself in a dramatic mood change, or more commonly, when he sees a friend or family member in the throes of one? Mood disorders are often discounted by those afflicted. How do we come to know that what we are seeing is dysfunctional, and what do we do? Here are some thoughts on how you can help:
- Recognize symptoms early on by noticing changes in sleep, appetite, grooming, belligerence and isolating behavior.
- Maintain a supportive atmosphere. Avoid confrontation through speaking calmly in the face of agitation. Project an attitude of concern.
- Fill in for the patient’s lack of emotional control by overcoming denial, yours and theirs. Often a family meeting is helpful. Be sure to point out strengths to help gain common ground.
- Set boundaries and limits; it’s important to let a family member or friend know there is a structure, a support to make up for their lack of control. Reduce their sense of turmoil.
- Join a support group. Being connected with others who share your concern helps normalize your situation. It also serves as a source of advice and knowledge, often from others who have trod the same road as you.
- Seek treatment. Today there are medications and treatments that can dramatically change hopelessness into hopefulness. A combination of medication and psychotherapy has been found to be the most effective, successful combination in treating mood swings. Seeking treatment helps reduce isolation and a sense of stigma.
Women's Issues and Bipolar
Women’s issues, when it comes to bipolar disorder, are many; all focused on a sense of identity and autonomy. In the culture as a whole, females have a particular array of unique problems arising from the way society views them.
When lost in mania or depression, there is a difficulty connecting emotionally with others. While it is true for most females, seeking identity in relationships has special meaning for those caught in the polarization that comes from bipolar disorder. Sliding back and forth in mood is unique to this illness. Cycling makes it hard to deal with the shuffling between nurturing and maintaining one’s identity. This can impact a sense of self-control, leading some women to promiscuity in a vain attempt to be cared for and valued by their partner. Only a female can know the shame and sense of degradation that stems from trying to find worth in relationships.
Being supported versus financial independence can keep many women with mental illness bouncing back and forth in a never-ending loop of seeking their own sense of self-esteem and catering to a partner who has a narrow vision of their worth. Often this leads to identity confusion that can be magnified by manic distortion.
Flagrant bipolar disorder can handicap a woman when parenting her children. Dancing to mania’s allure can cause many to ignore their parenting responsibilities, only to be left bereft of dignity when they recover from a manic escapade.
Repercussions stemming from a mental illness make the struggle for recovery a special dilemma for women. Added to their already overburdened loss of personal power only adds to the stigma they experience.
All of this together lends to an urgency to heal. Yet, qualities unique to women can aid in a return to health, while the draw to connect with others can lead to emotional support. Women have the potential to be gatekeepers to recovery for themselves and their families When stable, their ability to nurture can save lives threatened by emotional instability. Whether it be their children, their partners, or the community at large, they have a unique corner on healing. It’s through their ability and strength that we all prosper emotionally. Women are caretakers by nature, but they need to learn to take care of themselves when mental illness strikes.
HEALING BY FAITH - Resolving Mania
One grey, wintry day, as I sat by a window and looked out on my back porch, I pondered my fate after 14 years of manic depression, two of those in recovery. I had made much progress. I was working a professional job, had not had a manic episode in two years, and was managing a social life for the first time in ten. Still, I looked out on a life that had no great passion. The driving impulse of my manic episodes of the past had continued to elude me.
I reflected on what was missing from my life and the answer to a quandary I had yet to resolve. What was the nature of my psychotic, religious episodes? Though having shelved my inquiry into the meaning of God’s contact with me, I had to ask myself whether they were real or not. The evidence was overwhelming. I had a collection of episodes filled with the acts of spiritual oneness too numerous to count, which left me enchanted with the promise of sitting at God’s knee. I yearned for the mental state where I was certain of a destiny enshrined in a sense of the sacred.
I had experienced 14 years of vivid memories of living touched by God. They had filled my life with purpose. Yet, 14 years after this strange conveyance to the history of the universe I believed I was part of, I was once more relegated to a world where the immediacy of sacred purpose eluded me. I had spent the last two years out from under the shadow of God, filled with the early struggles of recovery, going to work everyday living in the mundane world, and fulfilling the boring tasks of existence. I felt bereft. The magic of life was missing. It was time to take those earlier experiences off the shelf that had put them there. Were they real or but delusions?
The answer was central to my recovery. If those manic highs were true, then I was part of world history, enshrined in the goings on of the eternal. Yet, after 14 years of being introduced to this cosmic existence and being locked out months later, I questioned their validity. Was I to be famous, or was I one more anonymous body of ordinary humanity? While my recovery had been significant, I had held back by not resolving this issue.
The answer came to me as I sat thinking. I imagined God speaking to me. There are those who can live in my presence in conscious awareness, but, after 14 years of trying to live in that state, perhaps you are not one of them. You have to take the same road most of humanity has, living in blind belief that there is a God. Like your ancestors who for thousands of years moved the belief in God step by step forward over a lifetime, you have to hand off God’s reality from one generation to the next. This was a powerful thought, and it made perfect sense.
In that moment, I had my answer. My psychotic, spiritual episodes were just that, psychotic and delusional. They were not to be sighted as proof of a sacred reality. I was set free in that moment. Finally, I could let go. A vision of clarity ensued. This epiphany would affect the rest of my life. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was healed.
Now, 25 years later, I can see my life rebuilt and full. My life has blossomed. I rely on the signposts of the familiar: religious observance, ethical dealings with others, and spiritual practice. We talk about religion as faith. “Take it on faith; what works is what’s real. Its proof is in the living.”
10 Ways to Deal with the Aftermath of Bipolar Anger
Dealing with anger as it arises with mania or agitated depression can be a thorny problem. We are, at times, angry and caught up in the frustration of the moment. I remember a time in the midst of bipolar excess, throwing a plate of spaghetti at my father. Fortunately, I missed. I was agitated, and the amplification of mood during a manic episode led to my acting out my anger. Eventually, recovering from the episode, I was remorseful and wanted to make amends.
So, how do you mend fences after the anger passes, perhaps triggered by grandiosity and alienating someone else, perhaps a loved one or a friend? Here are some ways to set things right after you have caused others to put you at a distance.
10 Ways to Deal with the Aftermath of Bipolar Anger
- Ask the person involved how they feel. Be a listener more than a speaker. When they are finished, acknowledge their feelings. Ask what you can do to make things right?
- When appropriate, admit wrongdoing and take responsibility for the misunderstanding.
- Explain your position, but do not make excuses. Tell how things seemed from you point of view.
- Attempt to reconstruct an attitude of goodwill.
- Seek out help to rectify a wrong. If you cannot do this yourself, a therapist or clergy might be helpful. Sometimes, a good friend can help to mediate a misunderstanding.
- Be curious, not furious. Instead of engaging in anger as a response
to an altercation, be thoughtful and question how the other party
sees the situation. - Be tenacious in seeking out a remedy.
- Forgiveness can only be given by the person wronged. Do not expect it will always be given.
- Above all, say you are sorry and be sincere.
- After making amends, forgive yourself.
