Tough love isn’t always tough. It also isn’t always love. How do you decide to take a tough stance with a loved one who suffers from mental illness?
There is usually a history of dysfunction before a family member or loved one decides he needs to take a firm stance with another family member. Lapsing into a mood of despair and broken promises, a parent may have to confront a mentally ill adult child about his behavior before the household deteriorates into a pattern of chaos and disorder. How do families regain their composure in the face of a loved one who loses all sense of boundaries? What do you do when a household is impacted by irregular sleep hours, isolating behavior, staying behind closed doors for days at a time, or becoming belligerent when confronted? How do parents present a firm stand against losses of personal hygiene, or threats of violence that threaten the normal functioning of the family? It is at times like these, especially after reported incidents, that family members must consider the prospect of taking a stand. This is no easy decision.
So what is tough love and does it work? Tough love comes into play quite often after a family has repeatedly attempted to resort to a moderate approach of reasoning with their loved one, with poor or no results. The household is close to being held hostage to the erratic and/or aggressive pronouncements of a family member who is out of control, firmly in denial, and may have lost a grip on reality.
Tough love is a response to the non-response of a loved one to recognize the need for treatment and acceptance that they are ill, mentally ill. It is about forcing a loved one with little or no insight into facing their situation. Sometimes it means giving an ultimatum of going for treatment or leaving the family home. It is often a last desperate attempt to reaffirm family normalcy and to bring balance back into the household. It is anguish for the family member seeking to regain boundaries.
Does it work? The prospect of turning out a child from the home is a heartrending decision a family naturally shrinks away from. It is only a last resort after repeated steps to get the mentally ill member to seek treatment. Often, tough love begins by making it clear they must see a doctor, take medication, and go into counseling. There are consequences for non-compliance. This is a long way from the assumption the loved one can no longer live with family or have touch with loved ones. Tough love is saying, “We’re not going to pretend any longer that there is not a problem.” It is taking the tough stand that you won’t allow denial to go on, and that there has to be a resolution. You know they need treatment, and you must take the loving action of forcing them to get better. It’s not a cure-all; it’s a beginning
Tough Love and Bipolar Disorder
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bipolar disorder; bipolar disorder and family; bipolar disorder tough love
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9 comments:
My husband and I just asked our son, 20, to leave. LEAVE, leave. He is bi-polar, and on and off his meds. He recently tried a new one, that was working so of course he stopped taking it regularly the way it had been prescribed. He is really scary, threatening (to me, mostly) and has stolen thousands of dollars worth of belongings from ourselves and our other children. Stealing and selling our other son's Christmas present then blaming/threatening me was the last straw. And even though this has been a horrible, horrible number of years, my heart is just killing me. He just came home and asked for pillows and a sleeping bag to sleep in his car. Is anyone else going through this?? I know it was the right thing but I feel like I'm breaking in two.
Dear Kimbaaz,
In reference to your post on my blog, yes, 1000's of families go through the burden of having to remove a mentally ill loved one from the home every year. My heart goes out to you. It is an ache in any parent's heart that has ever held a baby that grows up to be scary and unmanageable to have at home.
It can be too, the impetus for taking action.Demand your son has to stay on his meds, be compliant with treatment or leave. These are the rules of the household. Even then, without meds compliance, it may still break your heart. As I said in the blog post you read, you have to be ready to take this step. It is not easy. And yet, you can be resolved in knowing you were given no alternative and have plenty of company.
If you havn't done so yet, join a support group if one is offered in your area. There are also ones on line.NAMI, the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill has a peer run support groups for family members and parents of mentally ill children(adult children) where you can gain support, trade tips on how to handle a mentally ill child or partner, and decrease the sense of helplessness and stigma you may be experiencing. You might also be helped by engaging a mental health professional to help you through this episode in your life. Act now. Get the help you need.
DONALD KERN, MFT
AUTHOR, "MIND GONE AWRY"
www: kerntherapy.com
email:donaldkern@yahoo.com
blog:bipolarbychance.blogspot.com
Kimbaaz, I can relate to what you're saying. My son has a mental illness and he is in denial. He lived with me for 2 years without any treatment. He was incarcerated twice over those 2 years due to poor decisions (not stopping when asked by the police). He spent 6 months in jail and upon his release he moved out of state to live with his father. He has been there for almost 2 months and is now asking to come back to live with me. I too experienced him stealing and pawning my possessions. He was, and still is, very argumentative and verbally abusive. I had to put a lock on my bedroom door and I would sleep with mace under my pillow. He has never physically attacked me, but I was fearful that he might. I had to call the police on numerous occassions. I often felt like a prisoner in my own home. Anyway, I explained to him that if he decides to move back to this city, he would be homeless. It breaks my heart to think of him in this state, but I don't know what else to do. He continues to refuse treatment because he has no insight into his illness. I attend a monthly support group through NAMI and it does help. Please know that I am praying for you and other families in the same situation. You are not alone.
Our son has schizophrenia and has been living with us for 5 years. He is 35 and we are in our 60's. We have tried many ways to get him to accept his illness and treatment and he refuses. We are afraid of him and for him. We put him out for 4 months and then let him back in when he promised to go back to the doctor. He did not follow through. We have not had the courage to put him out again because now we know how hard it is. He will try to live in his car and keep calling us. We are at the end of our rope and don't know what else to do. I don't know if there is a similar website or blog for families of schizophrenics or does it make a difference? It is the same painful story no matter which diagnosis your child has.
My 21 year old son is dually diagnosed with bipolar disorder and drug addiction. We have tried everything we know to get him help. We have spent tons of money on rehabs. Nothing has helped. We put him out on the street for 4 days 3 nights, I thought I could not stand it so we allowed him to set up a tent in our backyard. He was very good at first, going to his doctor and taking his meds. Recently the old behaviors are starting again, drug use, mean talk. I fear we will have to make him leave again. I just worry that he might hurt himself or accidently someone else. I feel like it is our duty to keep him safe? After all he is sick. Our lives have been pretty miserable for the last 5 years since he got sick. Can people with mental illness understand consequences for their actions or are their brains so diseased that they just cannot reason?
Dear Anonymous,
You, indeed, have a difficulty sorting out what to do for an adult child who remains without insight into his disability and dysfunctional behavior. While there are no easy answers, there is support both online and frequently in the community. The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill(NAMI) provides education, support groups, and an online presence for families of those who have major mental illness regardless of whether it is Schizaphrenia, Bipolar Disorder, Major Depression, or a severe personality disorder. NAMI is made
up of family volunteers who run their support groups and educational programs. Being in touch with those who are familiar with mental illness can be uplifting, bringing hope. As debilitating as mental illness can be to a family, there are paralells that cross over the labels and can serve you well. Getting support is valuable and should not be underestimated. Mental Health America (MHA) is another support organization, which may prove helpful regardless of which mental illness your loved one has. I hope you find some peace of mind admidst the unhappiness you are experencing. Googling NAMI or MHA may give you their websites and email.
The NAMI resource and support line is (800)950-6264. The Mental Health America phoneline I have is in the Los Angeles area and is (213)413-1130. They can help you get directed to their office in your area.Specific diagnosis information might help as well. I hope this helps.
Donald Kern, MFT
Good post. I learn something totally new and challenging on sites I stumbleupon everyday.
It's always interesting to read through articles from other writers and practice a little something from other websites.
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