Bipolar Disorder: Not Letting Yourself Down

Recently I was watching a 10-part TV series about World War II, called, “Band of Brothers.” The series documented the experience of one company as it fought in the European Theatre of the war. At the beginning of each one-hour segment, there would be commentary by real-life veterans about different aspects of being a soldier in battle.

In one segment these veterans talked about fear and the various ways they dealt with it. Many spoke to the issue of not letting their comrades down. There was one sentiment that struck me. It was the statement, “I didn’t want to let myself down.” Not only was this man being loyal to his fellow soldiers, he was being loyal to himself.

This struck me as a stance one can take in any struggle, including recovery from mental illness. It was certainly true of mine. Though fearful at times when doing new things and facing down hospitalization, medication, and the anxiety and stress of the work world, I willed myself to move forward because I didn’t want to let myself down. Though filled with trepidation, I would not allow myself to settle for a limited existence. I couldn’t let go of myself as a whole, healthy person, despite the knowledge I have a disability that brings darkness which sows seeds of confusion and doubt.

For a long time I was uncertain which way to turn at various crossroads of my life. I made decisions I could not be sure were the right ones. Often, there was no clear marker to base a decision on. So, I proceeded into the unknown, fear of failing at life my constant companion. Over time my road became a little clearer until the time when I began to feel a small amount of confidence.

I was doing helpful things to recover. Little by little my terror subsided, and as I constantly pushed myself to be true to myself, I succeeded.

Many may now be in the same place I was when I began my recovery. Instead of recovering for the sake of those who hope for your return to mental health, do it for yourself. Believe in yourself and have faith in your ability to do the right thing. Like the soldier in E Company of “The Band of Brothers,” do something because you don’t want to let yourself down. It’s a value and ethic to live by. To address life’s struggles straight on is difficult, but to be true to oneself is its own reward. It also goes by the name of “having character,” and who can say, “ those with mental illness can’t have character.”