Am I Crazy – the Bipolar Dilemma

Incorporating manic behavior into a recovery-belief system is a dilemma, perhaps the ultimate bipolar dilemma. What is good in our lives is often tinged with the excessive and grandiose things we think and believe that stay and linger long after an episode has us sidelined.

Am I crazy, or is there a place in our lives for a variation of what is often viewed as a delusion or fading vision of positive afterthought? Often, it is the stigma of being deemed crazy that forces us to let go of our more upbeat selves. How can we hang onto what feels at the time of an episode like a fairy tale existence, yet has the underbelly of manic excess, which ultimately drags us down? Is it possible to sustain some semblance of hope and acceptance, or am I just plain crazy?

As every stereotype has the value of truth captured within it, so grandiosity and seduction have their valued qualities. Often, black and white thinking, the antithesis of open examination, has us discard our more creative selves in favor of stability and survival. Do we need to discard it all for the sake of sanity? A lot depends on regaining some
self-respect after an episode leaves us hollow and bereft.

There is a recovery period after an episode, a time when we may question ourselves or find it difficult to understand how we could have followed a line of thought and action to such an excess. Eventually, we come to a place of balance, recognizing what’s gained from “a brilliant madness.” Recovery is about second chances. Leaving the door of insight and openness ajar can help us retain what has value from even the most extreme and chaotic impulses.

The next time you are ready to throw away every grit and particle of an experience because of remorse over letting yourself go emotionally and intellectually, remember to glean from your memory the biochemical facts of your diagnosis. Gather in what felt true and what touched your heart. There is no need to judge yourself harshly. Be kind to yourself and from that place evaluate your extremes. Discern what mania offered you in the light of day and embrace those elements of true caring. Question what you cannot sort out and put it aside for the time being. Fullness of thought sometimes only comes with time.

Learning to live with only partial understanding can lead us to fuller insight at a later time. From mania can evolve a fuller recovery, and THAT’S NOT CRAZY.