Aesop once said, “United we stand; Divided we fall.” I keep this quote in mind as I live each day with my spouse, who is bipolar. From the very beginning of our relationship, I knew he had a mental illness, which could manifest itself at any moment and yet; I took a chance. I have no regrets. There have been those times when I thought, “What have I gotten myself into,” but I made a commitment, and that commitment still stands.
I am fortunate; I have never seen my husband in a manic mode, although I have seen him depressed. We met after he began the meds that have kept him sane for the last 25 years. There have been those times when I have had to distinguish between what is normal and what is not. This has been difficult for me to determine. I have only witnessed a mild down period or extreme enthusiasm, which I have come to realize as his normal way of expressing heartfelt emotions. He is a sensitive soul. These feelings alert me, put me on notice and cause a fear of relapse despite 25 years of recovery. To counter this, I continuously educate myself on bipolar disorder, trying to read and learn as much as I can about this illness. Support groups such as National Alliance for the Mentally Ill have been a help, along with books and blogs on the subject.
There have been those unfortunate times I have lost my temper with my husband, usually over petty things and have been tempted to shout, “You’re nuts,” or “Stop acting crazy.” It is then I catch myself and refrain from saying words I will regret; words that are cruel and hurtful. It is very easy to blame his actions or moods on his illness. I have to remember that he has the same moods and emotions I do and that it is unkind to remind him of an illness, which is chemical and through no fault of his own. Because we are both totally open in our communication with one another, we are able to discuss our feelings about mental health issues.
Wanting to introduce myself as the wife of someone with bipolar illness, I am writing this article for my husband’s blog. I hope it will be helpful to readers.
Linda Kern – wife of Donald Kern
Ways to Work Together When One Spouse has Bipolar Disorder
- Develop good sleep habits.
- Help reduce stressor & triggers
- Learn to forgive
- Communicate your feelings
- Educate yourself about the illness
- Work together to promote health.
- Promote a calm environment.
6 comments:
great. thanks for sharing Mrs. K
This was my first article for the blog. I am so pleased that someone took the time to answer. It would be nice to see more comments on the blog. I hope to write more later.
LKern
I need to leave the comment that Linda Kern wrote the 2nd comment in response to article "From Wife of One Who is Bipolar. Linda Kern is the wife of Donald Kern, writer of the blog.
Thank you for sharing your successful relationship with someone suffering from bipolar. I have struggled with my boyfriend, recently diagnosed bipolar, when we met he had been clean and sober 7 years. We had two great years together and the last three have been terrible. He could not keep clean and sober for more than three weeks, his personality changes were extreme when using drugs or drinking. He was using heroin, meth, cocaine, you name it he would shoot it. We lost the condo we rented, I had to get a restraining order, it was terrible. He came to me nine months ago asking me to help him turn himself in as he was prop 36, had two or three dirty drug tests with probation and had absconded. (I am a social worker and work w/probation, police, etc.) He did it, turned himself in and was remanded to a residential program and I agreed to start seeing him again when he had about four months clean. Up until the last month or so when he was put on Lithium and Seroquel, I had hope! He was the man I fell for. With this new med regime though, I don't know who he is! I am going to have to give up. I want to support him but he is so mean and nasty and of course, hurt! HaleL
From Linda Kern
Wife of Donald Kern
Dear Anonymous:
Thank you for your post.I know that meds take time, sometimes months and need to be often adjusted. Don has been lucky to be on the same meds for 25 years and they work.If not, and I had given it a reasonable number of months to work, I would need to probably either have to take a tough love stance with myself and give up or decide my tolerance level and stick to that.Our daughter had severe postpartum depression and it took 6 months and the right psychiatrist to find a med that worked. She had 3 hospitalizations and I can't even begin to count how many meds. I hope this helps a bit.They finally found an antipsychotic which worked. She is not bipolar, but was having irrational, racing thoughts. My heart goes out to you both. I know what it is to love someone and not be able to help them.
Linda K
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