Joshua sat on the couch opposite me, the tension in the room growing by the moment. “I don’t owe her an apology; I was in the midst of a manic episode at the time. They told me when I was in impatient treatment that I have a chemical imbalance; so it’s not my fault I slapped her, and now she’s exaggerating the injury.”
Joshua by this time was angry, plenty angry. He couldn’t see the point I was making that while a chemical imbalance may have influenced his actions, his actions were regrettable, and he should acknowledge this. He finally agreed in a statement to me that his actions were, indeed, regrettable, and a reflex reaction to his ex-spouse’s provocative statement still carried the sting of unresolved anger. The trust between them, already strained, had grown worse.
In treating bipolar disorder, this situation is not rare. Often, when volatile, those with a major mental illness diagnosis are confused and troubled by mild messages they receive from others. If a lack of knowing right from wrong at the time of a mental breakdown has been established, there is diminished capacity according to the law. What is lost in this logic is the damage done to the victims of angry outbursts. That is not to say a victim may not have fanned the flames of anger and has some responsibility for the eruption of verbal or physical attack. We do not live in such a pristine world of black and white, or all or none thinking. In the case of my client, his ex-spouse was not the perfect victim. But, in the aftermath of harsh words and/or physical assault, is clinging to the notion that a chemical imbalance is the culprit a fair release from culpability?
There is much work in healing the breakdown of civility which goes on with those in stressful situations. Even though you may be delusional, your actions may result in pain to another. Aren’t you then responsible for their pain? Too often one is loath to apologize, feeling it will only supply ammunition to an opponent and will weaken a claim to be the righteous one, the one wronged. This does not lead to understanding. It only increases the gulf already formed.
Setting the record straight implies acknowledging the damage done and can result in the beginning of a dialogue. “I’m sorry you were injured by my actions, or, what occurred between us is regrettable; let’s strive for a better understanding.”
But, the argument that a chemical imbalance is at the heart of a divide is an over-simplification and an easy way out. If you make a mess, then you have to clean it up. Sometimes it’s just what is needed.
Ten Ways to Take Responsibility
- Be honest with yourself; admit your limitations.
- Acknowledge your contribution to the misunderstanding.
- Mentally exchange places with those you’ve harmed and
- see the situation from their view.
- See an outsider to mediate a dialogue.
- Cool down before reacting.
- Take time before trying to resolve an issue.
- Recognize the futility of all or none thinking.
- Seek understanding with goodwill.
- Educate yourself on the difference between being reactive in the face of an altercation and looking at the aftermath for your opportunity to set things right.
- Remain open.
7 comments:
So how do you go about prosecuting someone with bipolar disorder who refuses to take absolutely any responsibility for their actions and has been harassing me and my family for almost 2 years and realizes that it is her "get out of jail free" card. The police want to help and are incredibly sympathetic but cannot do anything because she is sick. What about my family?
Dear DeviantPixel:
Your situation is all too common. It is not just bipolar people who shirk their responsibility. I do not know from your comment the details of the harassment you speak of, but what occurs to me is getting a restraining order from a judge that would keep this individual from making contact with you and your family. Sickness should not be an excuse for harmful behavior. I sympathize with your ordeal. There are no easy answers. Perhaps, in this situation, the best you can dois to strengthen yourself and your family in dealing with this dilemma, since the other party is not taking responsibility. It is unfair the onus of the situation should fall on you, but there it is.
I suffer from bipolar II and wasn’t diagnose until 1995 when they finally came up with what it is. I was 35 at that time and knew something was wrong but not knowing it was I was suffering from was the toughest. After finding out BPD, I set out to find out all the studies on it to understand it better, due to I wanted to take personal responsibilities for all my actions. I refuse to use it as an excuse, and will not let others use this as one as well!!
A good friend of mine and love is bipolar and I have been through hell and back with him. He stopped taking his meds 6 months ago and has been horrible every since. I have taken him to the hospital 3 times, visited him regularly while he was there and been very supportive and understanding of him. His anger was so destructive that he lost his house, his children, his job and his truck and now he is homeless. I was the only one who stood next to him and supported him and encouraged him to get help even though he pushed me further and further away. Then he finally pushed me so far away and told me he was done with me only a month later to cycle back into me being the best thing in his life and the only one in his life.
A few weeks later he went into another manic episode from not being compliant with his medications and doctor's apts and again went into the hospital. His anger lost him his friends this time and almost all his family members. I again stood by his side through it all until just a few days ago when he completely pushed out his life not wanting me around him at all.
It is so hard for me! I have gave so much of myself for him over the years and one minute I am the love of his life and valued and then the next minute I am pushed away and he says he wants distance and to not be around me.
How do I get through this? He has been so hurtful in his actions and words. I wish he could see what I have been through with him and that I live in his world too and it is not just about him. I wanna help him and be there for him but it seems he wants to take no accountability for his actions. He is not willing to clean up his mess. Seems like everyone who supports him he turns on until he has no one left and I was one of the last ones.
I have be in love with a man who is bipolar and an alcoholic. Although I have worked so very hard with my own counselor on self improvement, recognizing & trying to make clear - healthy choices; I still second guess my inner voice. It is so painful as I watch him struggle everyday, & yet I have to accept this Jekyll & Hyde behavior. I deeply understand the vulnerable/sweet side to him, yet am consistently exhausted by explaining to him how his anger is driving me away. I feel your struggle and I could not set boundaries in a healthy way without professional advice or the best girl friends ever. I hope you are being emotionally supported as you navigate this relationship... M.
I have bipolar I disorder and I absolutely agree that bipolar disorder should not be used as an excuse for causing pain to others and that people with bipolar should take responsibility. However, many people fail to understand what it's like to suffer from bipolar or any mental illness. I recently broke up with a boyfriend while manic, and I later explained that I was manic, apologized for my actions, and took responsibility for hurting him, and his response was "you can't use a mental illness as a reason for your actions," which is entirely false. Yes, I committed the action and have to deal with the consequences and be held accountable, but my actions were highly influenced by a disease that is not my fault. While I'm manic, bipolar is the reason for many of my actions. It's not an excuse for not taking responsibility for what I did, but it is an explanation.
I have someone on line who says she is bi polar. I have never met this woman. She lives thousand of miles from me. She tells me she has episodes, then says she is better, then tells me she has not had sex with a man for years. It escalated today to her saying she was in love with me & I with her. I have a long standing relationship with my girlfriend whom I love. All of this is coning from this woman in emails & I told her to get help. She uses being bi polar as an excuse for outrageous behavior.
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